As human beings, we experience fear that horribly unexpected life-altering events might happen to us. This fear often manifests itself by provoking catastrophic thoughts. For example, “this bump on my arm must be stage 4 cancer,” or “I’m probably going to get into a lethal car accident today.” Whenever anxiety leads us down these negative thought spirals, it can be helpful to actually imagine the worst-case scenario and then do some reality testing. You might ask yourself, “If something horrible did happen to me, or a loved one, would I be able to get through it?”
This past year, I’ve been working as a hospital therapist at California Pacific Medical Center. I’ve worked with patients who actually got into that horrible car accident and will never walk again. I’ve encountered patients with rare brain cancers with only a few years left to live. And in facing my fear of this level of suffering, I’ve learned that people can and do move through it. Especially when coupled with a good support system, some form of spirituality (or belief a higher power), a positive mental outlook, and access to counseling.
Loss of Identity Is Powerful Grief
While loss is at the root of most suffering in the hospital, it turns out this is true in several ways I hadn’t considered. I used to think that grief only occurred when somebody died. But I helped a patient grieve their former identity as a hairdresser after a physically debilitating stroke. I sat with a patient grieving their cognitive ability to remember their grandchild’s name in the throes of Alzheimer’s. We all have an attachment to who we are, what we do, and the reality we know. When medical tragedies take these things from us, we grieve.
The beautiful reality of loss is that it connects us to love. People always say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. What I saw in the hospital was that when we lose something, we are awakened to how deeply we loved it. For example, I worked with a young cyclist who got into a treacherous biking accident. He spent his days on the unit telling me about every trail in Northern California, showing me his mileage, and planning his next ride. Though his spinal cord injury would likely prevent him from ever riding again, he needed time to face the gravity of his loss. One day, in a tidal wave of emotion, he shared that he had no idea he had the capacity to love something so much.
Using Tragedy To Foster Appreciation
What I noticed about the relationship between loss and resilience is that this painful love wakes us up from mindless living. Yes, the biker may not bike again. But he is awakened to his own ability to authentically care about something — something he hadn’t been aware of before. Others become acutely aware of how little time they devote to their favorite people or pursuits. Many of us walk around bumping into strangers because we’re too busy playing candy crush on our phone. To feel the love of someone or something in our bones is to be alive.
When patients allow themselves to grieve the loss of what was, the hospital can become a rite of passage. We witness patients having wake up calls in front of us and hope their lives are better for them. I had a patient who battled alcoholism for years. The day I met him was the day he had his foot amputated because of uncontrolled diabetes. He had spent 60 years neglecting the needs of his body. But when he knew what it felt like to lose a precious limb, he left the hospital enrolled in an Alcoholics Anonymous program.
Overcoming Obstacles To Resilience
As a therapist, working in the hospital shed light on the importance of helping others face loss. A major obstacle to this process is that we live in a society with a strong defense against loss. People who grieve the death of a loved one are expected to move on in a matter of months. Everyday losses like the loss of a job, a relationship, or a certain period in our lives often goes unacknowledged. Unresolved grief is actually one of the leading causes of depression, which plagues so many people both in and out of the hospital. While it’s tempting to ignore, deny and avoid the pain of loss, ultimately this defense will only create more suffering. Patients who find resilience in their circumstance are the ones who have the courage to experience grief. Once they acknowledged and processed what had been lost, they were able to better adjust to change and move forward.
Human beings are resilient, and we owe it to ourselves and our kids to practice such principles (read Lindsey’s post for ideas). We are able to lose, grieve, and start new chapters. While we may cling to the safety of our current realities, we can remember that we are incredibly adaptable. Some of life’s atrocities are inexplainable and unfair. Yet, in the words of one of my patients, “ We all possess a superhuman strength that we can use to overcome any obstacles. All we have to do is figure out how to access it.”
By: Maddy Pettit
