What Makes a Good Coach? Lessons for Parents, Too

Our practice has a lot of therapists who were college-level athletes. We understand the influence that coaches have on kids. We put together the qualities of good coaches from our perspective as therapists. Understanding good coaching means looking beyond winning. A really good coach challenges kids, encourages them to improve, and helps them grow not only as players — but as people. We asked our therapist and former college athlete Noah to break down what makes a good coach—and included some useful lessons for parents, too.

What Makes a Good Coach?

A good coach does more than tell their athletes what to do. They involve them in the process of learning about their strengths and weaknesses along with the game. Good coaches will identify self-limiting beliefs and challenge athletes to push past them. They help identify weaknesses and develop strategies to improve them, while also recognizing and building on strengths.

Therapists and coaches have a lot in common. We both use motivational interviewing (drawing on the player’s own reasons for playing), elements of cognitive therapy (identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with productive ones), and using self-compassion to break out of slumps.

Like good therapists and parents, good coaches give constructive feedback without being demeaning or authoritarian. They should be more than former successful athletes who draw on their own experience. They should have the ability to teach skills and convey ideas so that their effectiveness shows up in the improvements their players make.

In other words, good coaching isn’t simply about getting better results. It’s about helping the person gain skills and develop as a human being. Sometimes this development comes from winning, and sometimes it comes from losing.

What Does a Good Coach Do When a Kid Is Struggling?

When a kid is struggling, a good coach addresses the problem rather than ignoring it. They work with the athlete to come up with strategies for improvement and help build self-confidence and positive self-talk.

They also consider what else might be going on. Outside influences such as family dynamics, social stress, or physical issues can affect a kid’s performance, and good coaching takes those factors into account.

What a good coach doesn’t do is verbally attack or demean a struggling kid. Overly aggressive or criticism is discouraging to growing athletes. Coaches need to find a way to see the entire athlete and work to push through slumps.

A Coach Who Challenges vs. One Who Controls

There is an important difference between challenging a kid and trying to control the outcome.

A supportive coach values personal growth over outcomes. They allow kids to make mistakes and learn from their experiences, and they don’t become overly upset when losses happen.

A controlling coach, by contrast, may push too hard, be demeaning, or create negative feelings and reactions around the activity and the outcome. A kid may eventually start avoiding playing altogether because they are afraid of losing. Kids look to coaches to understand how to cope with calls or losses. If a coach loses his you-know-what over balls and strikes, what is the lesson for the team?

The distinction isn’t whether a coach has high expectations. It’s how those expectations are communicated and what happens when the kid doesn’t meet them.

Why Good Coaches Let Kids Make Mistakes

A good coach doesn’t step in every time a kid makes a mistake. I observed a favorite All-Star coach once pat his catcher on the back and say about an over-the-head run scoring error “that was a very optimistic throw you made.” The kid got it.

Allowing kids to struggle creates space for personal growth. It gives them the opportunity to learn from mistakes, use problem-solving skills, and develop independence and self-confidence.

That doesn’t mean a coach ignores problems. They can provide opportunity for discussion which allows the athlete to troubleshoot. It means the coach doesn’t automatically solve every problem for the kid.

How Can You Tell if a Coach Is Helping a Kid Grow?

There are some pretty clear signs that coaching is doing what it’s supposed to do.

A kid who is benefiting from good coaching is more likely to:

• Use positive self-talk

• Take on challenges rather than shy away from them

• Navigate adversity more effectively.

Losing doesn’t completely derail their performance or confidence.

Good coaching should ultimately help a kid become more capable of handling challenges on their own, not increasingly afraid of making mistakes. Remember, they should see coaches coping with a bad day or a tough call with good sportsmanship and self-compassion.

When Does A Healthy Challenge Cross the Line?

Being demanding isn’t automatically a red flag. A coach can push a kid appropriately while still being supportive. Healthy challenge include

• Achievable goals

• Words of encouragement

• Open communication about limits and goals

🚩Warning Sign: Parents should pay attention when a child who loves an activity becomes increasingly anxious, defeated, or afraid of disappointing the coach. If that happens, it may be time for a conversation with the kid and the coach—and, if necessary, a change in coaches or leagues.

What Can Parents Learn From Good Coaches?

This is where the coaching lesson becomes useful beyond the playing field. Parents can borrow some of the same principles:

Let kids work through problems. Fixing every problem or removing every stressor may make life easier in the moment, but it also takes away opportunities to develop independence.

Focus on strengths as well as weaknesses. Encouragement doesn’t have to wait for a goal to be achieved. Recognizing progress and effort along the way can help build confidence.

Don’t make every setback an emergency. A disappointing grade, lost game, or mistake is an opportunity to ask what happened, what was learned, and what might be done differently next time.

And remember that your job isn’t to manage every outcome. Good coaches help kids achieve their goals, boost their confidence, and grow as people. Parents can do the same.

The Goal Is Personal Growth, Not a Perfect Outcome

The most useful lesson from good coaching may be the simplest one: personal growth matters more than outcomes.

The goal isn’t for a kid to succeed because an adult is constantly directing them, correcting them, or fixing things for them. It’s to help them develop the confidence and skills to eventually navigate challenges themselves.

That’s good coaching. And it’s a pretty good parenting goal, too.

We are a counseling practice with many former elite athletes. We love to combine our knowledge of high-level competition with our training in counseling.

Thanks to our therapist Noah Rosenthal for contributing to this article.