Brought to you by elections, football coaches, and toddlers.
The word on my mind this month is tolerate. Actually, as a therapist, that word is frequently on my mind. How can I help this student cope with their depression or anxiety and not sink into an unproductive behavior? How can this couple improve their home life? How can this child be taught to calm themselves down?
As we look around us, the world is full of individuals and groups who struggle to perform the behavior associated with this important action. Whether it is a child who is learning impulse control, a teen who goes to their phone to avoid, or adults who struggle with various forms of lack of patience, empathy for themselves or others, or simply others’ viewpoints — we in this modern world need to practice tolerance.
Why is this important? Why teach our kids?
Children take their cues from the adults in the world. Imagine the troublemaker in class when you were in elementary school. Mine was Michael C, and if you’re out there, not only do I recognize that you had trouble tolerating boredom but our teacher lost their cool because they couldn’t tolerate your behavior. But we need to learn to do this so that everyone can learn!
A child needs to see from us that we have capacity to tolerate them in difficult times, so they don’t feel the need to test us. Similarly, we must tolerate our own feelings as their parent of frustration, anger, or disappointment without shouting, shaming, or threatening. When we have patience to tolerate the people in our lives, solutions come forward.
What does this look like for the young child/parent, teen, and adult?
Children: A young child learns tolerance by having their adults show understanding and empathy. When we say “I believe you, that hurts” or “It sounds like you want to keep playing with that toy instead of sharing it right now, is that right?” the child learns words for their feelings and doesn’t have to escalate or melt down. You can teach your child tolerance by:
• Acknowledging that sometimes there is a delay between what you want and when you get it
• Showing what you do when you must remain patient
Teens: A teen often has trouble tolerating their own flaws. They become self-critical, change moods on a whim, and are impulsive.
• Appeal to their greater identity: “I know you want to quit instead of endure this boring class or sports coach you dislike. But you think of yourself as someone who is loyal/hardworking/passionate about XYZ, and what would that person do in this situation?”
• Teach self-compassion: would you allow a friend to beat themselves up the way you are doing to yourself? What kindness would you offer them?
• Show your own capacity: teens change their minds all the time. Roll with it, don’t call them on it. Help them explore their change in feelings, friendships, and interests. Help them tolerate others who change their minds and moods, too.
Adults: Picture the coach of That Sports Team ripping off his headset and slamming it in to the turf. Or That One Time the parent in the restaurant chewed their kid out. Not a great look. Not motivational. Not tolerating their own feelings of disappointment and anger.
There is much that is intolerable in this world (more on that below), but so much power in being able to control ourselves, express ourselves productively, and chart our own path. Adults have more practice in tolerance, but each life stage presents new opportunities for growth.
- Visualize how you want to respond to conflict, disappointment, or frustration. Practice one of these moments every week.
- Meditate. It’s the best way I know to train your mind to not follow the “monkey mind” and instead to tolerate thoughts and feelings while not acting on them.
- See your own path. As Michelle Obama said once, “When they go low, we go high” — words to live by whether you’re dealing with a child’s tantrum, a coworker’s attitude, or a difference of opinions. Focus on your own goals and directions
What about “intolerable” behavior?
Being able to tolerate a moment does not mean that you condone the behavior or viewpoint you are experiencing. With practice, we can listen to another’s viewpoint or endure unwelcome behavior until we have an appropriate way to address it. The key is having personal capacity to take in what is happening without letting it wield control over you. When we can accomplish this, we are able to respond thoughtfully. When we can witness inappropriate behavior without losing our cool, we can then teach the appropriate behavior.
In order to receive tolerance from others, we must demonstrate our capacity first. Our children will learn patience from us, and how to move through unpleasant moments better when we can show them that we aren’t reactive to such moments.
People enjoy going to therapy because therapists are experts in tolerance and skilled, well-timed interventions that result in change aligned with a client’s goals. Clients can speak freely without being judged and have their thoughts and feelings tolerated by a warm and caring human being. When we can show others our ability to “sit” with difficult emotions and stories, and endure tough conversations or meltdowns, those involved in these moments often solve their own situations without any correction needed.
