Here are two topics that come up over time with nearly everyone in my office. I use them to evaluate a person’s well-being and assess where to begin. Ready to learn the cornerstones that guide much of my tools-based therapy?
They are the ability to be adaptable to life’s circumstances and to be flexible in your mindset.
From my point of view, almost every “pathology” or trouble a person encounters can be traced back to an overly rigid way of thinking, behaving, or seeing the world. Quirky people are fun, and those with unbreakable rules can be entertaining; I know someone who used to pay for everything with $2 bills. (This wasn’t an unbreakable rule that I knew of, but imagine if it was!)
Children are also amusing in their rigid mindsets (anyone out there feel like they gotta buy ONE type of mac and cheese or rue the day?) but we strive to grow and learn and adapt so that even though we might have preferences, we can deal when things aren’t in our sweet spot. This is a lifelong challenge — for all of us.
Here are some examples where being inflexible in mindset and unable to change course cause serious problems:
- Depression is known for it’s entrenched “black and white” thinking (inability to see the gray areas of life)
- Anxiety is a fear of the unknown; a lack of confidence in our ability to adapt to future circumstances or current state of being
- Children’s development is about constantly learning to adapt and be flexible: how to eat food that’s “not my favorite”, get used to new routines “even though it’s light outside we still go to bed”, learning expected behavior at home and at school, etc.
- Personality issues (borderline, narcissism etc) have only “one way to be” — these people sort of bulldoze through situations. Diplomacy and boundaries evade them.
- OCD spectrum disorders (OCD, hypochondria, hoarding, body dysmorphic disorder etc) are defined by the intrusiveness of their rigid and black&white thoughts.
- Couples, parents, and teens have “empathy gaps” (trouble seeing another’s point of view with a flexible way of problem solving) — especially in relationships where someone has expectations that aren’t met or communicated well
- Those who struggle with substance abuse or overeating are unable to “take it or leave it” (Those who drink or eat “responsibly” adapt to circumstances with a flexible mindset that keeps them healthy and safe)
- Eating disorders are characterized by a rigid adherence to rules and self-image
- and on and on!
Resilience embodies adaptability and flexibility. We can never remove all the obstacles or difficult moments and feelings in life, but we can gain confidence in our ability to tackle them.
Therapy should have goals to teach adaptability and flexibility:
- build courage and learn new skills to be adaptable to your life situations
- try to see yourself and the others in a more compassionate (less black and white) way
- challenge any rigid mindset that isn’t serving you (this is always at the heart of the cognitive behavioral therapy I do — sometimes in session I refer to them as “core beliefs that may be outdated”).
When the going gets tough, check your adaptability and mindset. Chances are, there’s some room to adjust.
