I hope you’ve been taking care of the most Essential Business: staying sane and healthy. (I cannot wait to expand the meaning of “Essential Business” and hope somebody funny patents this term immediately.)
This week I’ve been joining you by video wherever you are: in front of a tree, on a walk, with a baby in your lap, in a car. I just participated in a Zoom birthday gathering.
We in the Bay Area are on Day 3 of a Shelter-In-Place order—leaving home only for fresh air or necessary trips to essential businesses while everything else remains closed.
While restrictive, this is a gift to our minds in one way. We need leadership—especially during stressful times—in order to avoid decision fatigue. No longer are we having to decide many times per day whether we should go here or there, meet someone, go to work for a few hours or not at all. Here it is—stay home. Done.
Last week I suggested creating structure. This is another way of alleviating decision fatigue and anxious thoughts. Keep some structure, but especially this first week hold it lightly, as well-being expert Rick Hanson would say. We are all getting used to this life.
Here are some ideas for this week:
Try: Don’t “Silver Lining” Your Experience (that’s right, someone verb-ed it)
Reason: Painting gratitude on top of feelings of disappointment, fear, or anxiety doesn’t work
Gratitude is a beloved feeling and has numerous benefits. I want everyone to feel it as much as possible (and even more, express it to others). But not as a response to unpleasant feelings. Please do yourself a favor and don’t start sentences to anyone (yourself included) with “At least.”
At least you can read a lot without kids at home. At least you have a roommate. At least your kids are old enough to wash their own hands.
Does anyone feel better being reminded of these things in response to their feelings or worry or sadness? No.
I frequently remind grieving clients of this principle. Those who are worried and sad find peace in therapy because therapists allow these feelings. They don’t diminish them looking for silver linings. It is normal to feel sad, claustrophobic, or worried right now. You can acknowledge these feelings in yourself and others with empathy and self-compassion.
Here is my favorite cartoon narrated by Brené Brownabout the how and why of being empathetic (3 minutes).
So how can we better use gratitude in these moments?
Find a different time in your day to feel grateful, deeply and fully, for what you do have right now. True gratitude often emerges in fleeting moments, not when it’s applied to a feeling that makes us uncomfortable. Decide that you’ll use one of the many gratitude practices out there to increase this in your life. But don’t use gratitude as a band-aid to difficult feelings. It diminishes both. and makes people—as well as your spirit—like they’re minimized too.
All we have to do is be with each other during this time. On FaceTime.
Try: Overcommunicating your plans and needs with your people
Reason: Expecting people to read your mind sets you up for resentment, nagging, and general unpleasantness
We’ll talk more in a future post about the loneliness of this time, especially for solo households. Right now we are living in every inch of the houses that we’ve built—solitary, circus, or otherwise. For better or for worse, we cannot change the channel on life that has been paused. Time at home with upended schedules puts a focus on the way we communicate with one another.
We are used to having “exits” from our relationships on a daily basis. (This is a term from a classic couples therapy book, Getting the Love You Want). We normally go to work, or drop the kids off at school, or meet a friend, or have people for dinner, or visit the gym. Sometimes all in one day! Now “exits” from our immediate households are greatly limited for the foreseeable future. This puts a lot of focus on the home world we have built.
While I think that schedules and structure can help set your mind free, they can also lead to expectations of one another that create stress. So, have talks about who is cooking, who is working, and what plan everybody needs in order to get some of what they want in their day. You don’t need a color coded chart. Think: time alone, time to work, time to walk, time to connect.
Imagine that you’re the Most Tempting Person To Interrupt Right Now. Defend yourself by drawing up some plans. Make direct requests instead of assumptions.
We must stop expecting partners and roommates to somehow know when to talk and not talk to us, or that kids will eventually see that “we’re busy right now.” Don’t even give them a chance to fail at their mind-reading task.
Here is a terrific post about married life in the age of a quarantine.
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Follow up to last week: Here is a page with a sample thought chart and more instructions about CBT. I’ll be adding to it over the next few days; wanted to send this post off to you ASAP. You’re all on my mind!
