On Wednesday we received official word that schools in our area won’t reopen for the year. While nobody was surprised, I did feel more than justified in having pancakes for dinner and calling it a day.
This is the end of week 3 in California of shelter-in-place, and I’ve now had dozens of video sessions. Many of us are in a grief process. I’ve been here before and know some of you have too. But never on such a large and varied scale.
It’s unusual to be experiencing something so global and yet also from such different perspectives. There are those older and alone, couples with no children, families with teens and those with toddlers, single people with and without roommates, etc. Some groups of people are even perfectly content; I’ve talked with them too, and know different temperaments create better or worse fits for this time.
However, one thing that those of us suffering all have in common is that we are grieving both the present and the future, as we see more shut- downs, layoffs, and deaths. Unlike traditional loss that makes us look to the past, this particular type of future-heartbreak is in the same realm as the excruciating pain of losing a child, or something sacred out from underneath the world you thought you knew. Not as severe or sudden, hopefully; but this is the unique pain of looking ahead to memories that won’t be created.
Grief is a thousand different ways to feel disappointment, sadness, and uncertainty about when things will feel better.
I’m no expert on pandemics, but I do know about recovery from grief, including when you’re watching things topple and at the same time trying to right the ship. I’ve written before about comebacks following traumatic incidents. I’ve also written for about living with the unchangeable.
We need to recognize what it takes to get through a pandemic of grief. It involves building something while we wait for the next chapter.
Try: Acknowledging that you’re grieving some parts of the future as it unfolds in front of you, and then notice what you can build while you wait.
Reason: It will never be okay to lose someone, an experience, a home, a job, or activities that you value. Shifting focus instead to what your daily activities are building is what brings relief during this waiting period.
Those with young kids and jobs might barely reach bedtime without a moment to themselves, while those retired and alone wish for more company than their books and computers. Some of us still have work and shelter; others’ situations are more precarious. How will you mark this time for you? Whatever your daily life involves, think in terms of what you are building. It’s not what exactly you build, it’s seeing activity through this perspective that allows some meaning to be created — while not invalidating the difficulties that do exist, either.
For some, building looks like:
•Planning the next tentative chapter, like considering a career change, when a nanny might start, or how to safely visit family on a road trip when lockdowns are lifted.
•Are you getting dinner on the table? Think of it as building family togetherness.
•Are you showing up to work? You’re building reliability.
•Are you learning a new technology to keep in touch with friends? You’re building friendships and levity into your day that will continue beyond this situation.
Or maybe you are using your attitude and influence to encourage others and build hope?
Last, maybe it’s finally time to cross some things OFF your list and build some space into your life? People grieving usually have an easier time giving themselves permission to change priorities, or abandon things that aren’t serving them. When you think from a “building” perspective, every daily activity can point to something that could be part of the next chapter: community, skills, pleasure, security, clarity.
When you feel despair, or sadness, don’t always give in to pancakes for dinner. Think: what can I build? Plant some flowers (build beauty). Lift a few weights. (build muscle). Sit and meditate for 3 minutes. (build stress resilience). There will always be another load of laundry, email to respond to, or article to read (OMG the articles). What else will you wish you had done during this strange time?
A friend of mine sent this quote: “When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.”
My practice is here to help. Video sessions are going well and we’d be glad to meet any of you, for a single session or whatever you need.
