It has always seemed to me that it is a cruel that our animals have such short life expectancies compared with ours. We could end up saying goodbye to a dozen or more pets throughout our lifetime, and it doesn’t get any easier. What is so exquisitely painful about the death of a pet, and how can we help each other and our kids through this grief process?
Pet loss is an important time to show each other and our kids that we are not afraid of our feelings or hard decisions. When we do this, our kids and others around us learn to build our capacity and resilience. I have heard many, many times from people who feel still feel anger and sorrow about the way that pet loss was handled in their family growing up and want to do better this time around. As with most mental health topics, putting things into words and finding common language to discuss feelings is the first step.
Pet Loss Doesn’t Get Recognition It Deserves
Pet loss is an emotional tragedy that is known in the psychological community as a type of “disenfranchised grief,” because it is not recognized with the same significance as other loss. Yet everything about people’s lives with their animals point to it being one of the most intense forms of loss that one will experience, and it deserves compassion and recognition.
Take a moment to think about the companionship of an animal in your home. They are in our lives on a minute-to-minute level unparalleled by almost anyone. Even if your pet isn’t next to you at the moment, chances are you have a sense of where they might be sleeping or what they are doing. They are literally in the fabric of your life, and the empty home following their death is palpable.
Yet people who lose pets may feel embarrassed about the amount of pain they are going through, and workplaces rarely recognize the need for employees to take the time they need to collect themselves following the death of a pet. An employee should be able to say, “My dog died, and I’m a mess this week and can’t focus, and just need a few days to collect myself.” While many of us who experience the death of a person will take some time off work or allow ourselves some space to heal, the broken-hearted following a pet death often push forward, exacerbating their stress and prolonging grief. Animal lovers in the world can often relate, but seeing as we say goodbye to so many animals in our lives there is the expectation that it somehow becomes easier or is less painful than losing a person. However, research shows that this is not the case.
Grief at the cellular level
The death of a pet is felt deeply and on a physical level. Even though the world at large discriminates between humans and animals when it comes to death, our bodies don’t distinguish this type of love and grief. In addition, MRI studies show that brains register emotional pain in very similar ways that we register physical pain. It is entirely possible to experience something called broken-hearted syndrome over the death of a pet. This is an intense surge of stress hormones related to an emotional event and causes chest pain and shortness of breath, and in some cases, acute cardiac events.
There are some things about losing a pet that are uniquely challenging because the relationship is with an animal. I call this the “burden of knowledge.” The power we have as their guardians is a heavy privilege. Because our animals can’t tell us directly about their pain or life satisfaction, we are their voice and hold their life in our hands. As their owners we face decisions about their care that are filled with guesswork. It is one of the most difficult decisions out there to make a call about when to say goodbye to an animal. Some pet owners feel guilt or regret not knowing that their animal was in pain or sick. Our animals’ trust in us combined with their lack of awareness about their prognosis is a heavy state for us to live in.
Tip #1: You are not alone if you feel extreme sorrow following the loss of your pet, whether it is a cat, dog, lizard, or rabbit.
- Treat the death of a pet properly by taking a day off work if you can, allowing your child to stay home from school for the day, etc. While some people will want to get back to their routines, others really benefit from a mourning period.
- Pay it forward: offer kindness to others who experience the loss of a pet.
Tip #2: Read How To Fix A Broken Heart by Guy Winch, a prominent author on disenfranchised grief. Note that he believes that pain following the death of a pet is exacerbated by the lack of care we (including the general population and especially our workplaces) give to this kind of death. Instead we place expectations that we can compartmentalize and go back to work because it’s an animal, not a person. Acknowledge your grief and practice self-care.
Thoughts for families experiencing pet loss
Many adults adopt an animal prior to having a child. Therefore, pet loss that a couple goes through is truly the loss of the beginning of their family.
A child’s attachment to their animal may be one of the closest bonds they have known in their life. It is also possible that this is the first time children are seeing their parents become emotional or overcome with sadness. The end of a pet’s life is stressful and often filled with medical appointments and disruption to routines kids are part of like walks and feeding. Children can also sense when home life is under stress. Even for parents who hide their grief, children often report that their parents have become more irritable or short-tempered.
Tell the truth
While it is tempting to protect our children from the pain of pet loss and tell them only that “Fluffy went to live on a farm”, please avoid saying things that are untrue. Children have a much bigger capacity to take in the truth than we give them credit for. Instead we should include them in age-appropriate ways of the grief process. While young children aren’t able to understand the concrete nature of death, the emphasis can be placed instead on expression of feelings and saying goodbye.
We do not need to provide many details, but it is important that children be told a simple version of what is happening to their pet. They should be given a chance to say goodbye, and see that we as their adults will use our capacity to hold their broken hearts until they heal.
Children usually recover faster than adults from difficult experiences (emotionally and physically!) Don’t be surprised when they are satisfied with your answers and go along their way following an emotional moment. They may return to the topic or ask about the pet later and be surprised or sad again.
What are age-appropriate ways to help our kids through the end of a pet’s life?
- For younger children, we can explain that the body is like a machine that stops running properly.
- Answer their questions honestly. Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know.”
- When it is time to say goodbye, you can help them express gratitude and love to your pet.
- Older children may want to brainstorm ways to remember your pet together, including artwork, planting a tree, framing a picture, or other creative expression.
- Your family may want to designate “Fluffy Time” for a few days or weeks, where you take a walk or light a candle or do something together that reminds you of your bond with your pet. Those who are sad for longer appreciate these chances to connect.
Tip: It is not your role as a parent to protect your child from feelings of sadness. It is your role to provide an opportunity for them to express feelings without you trying to change them, and act as their companion and guide through difficult times.
Allow your kids to cry, feel angry, ask questions, and explore difficult emotions. You will be surprised to find that we are not bottomless wells of despair. When we give kids a chance to safely express their feelings, they usually return to themselves with no intervention needed. You can respond to their feelings by saying “I feel the same way,” and “I understand what you’re saying.” We must show kids that we can handle their feelings, so they know not to be afraid of them.
A personal question with a scientific answer: when should we get another pet?
If you’ve been caring for a sick animal or have other life changes coming up, it might make sense to wait awhile before getting a new pet. However, from a psychological perspective, adopting a new animal actually can actually help with the grief of losing your pet. This isn’t necessarily because the family is happily distracted by a new puppy. According to Dr. Winch, letting a new animal into your heart actually is similar to the happy feelings you felt when your former pet was alive and you experienced warmth and connection to them. It awakens the part of you that has been aching for your lost pet and fills it with some curiosity along with the sadness.
While you may experience reluctance to connect with a new animal whenever it joins the family, or even that you are betraying the animal you lost, think of as having a second child while continuing to love your first child. This is not a betrayal; there is room in your heart for both. Animals (and children) have a way of helping you open your heart after awhile. Loving a new animal keeps your love for the animals you missed alive, because it comes from the same place in your heart.
Loyal Blue is a staff of pet lovers. Some of our favorite animal shelters are Berkeley East Bay Humane, Hopalong, and Milo Foundation.
