10 years ago this month, I opened up my private practice in a beautiful old Mediterranean house-turned-office building in Berkeley.
Instead of throwing a party for my 10 year old office plant, here are 10 bits of wisdom that my clients have taught me over the years. I’d love to hear from you if you like one of them, or want to share your own to get me started on another 10 years!
10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 Years in Private Practice
1. No two people’s experiences are alike, but we are more similar than we think.
Yes, you have unique traits and your own story. But peace and healing come from finding commonalities in how we are hurting. The most stuck clients I’ve ever worked with have felt uniquely alone in their troubles.
2. It’s all in how you say it.
Many very good messages get lost or misconstrued because the sharp or exasperated tone is so distracting.
3. We need to know that someone believes in us and thinks we are likeable.
Your therapist should be on this list!
4. Teens are dramatic and need to be allowed their feelings without talking logic into them right away
How did any of us make it to adulthood? Because somebody out there allowed us to cry for an hour about a pimple, and let us talk on the phone to our friends for hours after dinner. (I know it wasn’t just me — see #1 above). The adolescent brain doesn’t mature until about age 24. Try to ride the rollercoaster alongside them, not stand in front of it.
5. Life is better when you take responsibility for your own happiness and don’t blame anything or anyone.
Learn to give yourself great compassion, and own your feelings, your mistakes, and decisions.
6. Most college students arrive at school not understanding how to sleep properly or manage a to-do list.
Cal students are my absolute favorites. They can do 4 hour bio labs without blinking and survive discreet math (still CS 70), and English 45A (Chaucer still really sucks the life out of wannabe English majors.)
But they don’t know how to sleep or how to get up, and they can’t estimate how long it takes to do things, and they don’t know themselves well enough to plan better when to do things that actually need doing. It’s not their fault and I love them so much. I want to meet as many as possible early in their college career.
7. To-do lists only work if you have a plan for reviewing them.
It’s a Getting Things Done by David Allen principle: your to-do list only works if you have a set time of day or week to be accountable to your list.
8. Depression and anxiety usually respond immediately to cognitive behavioral therapy.
This approach to therapy really works. It’s the gold standard for a reason, and I’ll keep learning new aspects of CBT as long as I’m in practice.
9. Most people expect too much of their potential or current partners and reject them or grow distant for short-sighted and solvable reasons.
Single people write off dates too easily; coupled people don’t forgive or ignore their partners’ annoying habits. We also fail to see ourselves accurately (and humbly) which is so helpful when building a relationship.
See Alain de Botton’s famous article, “Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person”, and (my favorite) his podcast interview here.
10. Unimagineable grief gets better, and we can learn resilience.
Working with the grieving — and having survived debilitating grief myself — has actually given me more hope than almost any experience. I’ve seen remarkable recoveries and been a witness to resilience from the depths of great despair. Never underestimate the power of the human spirit, a good therapist, and a cup of tea.
Warmly,
Lindsey
