Adoption is a complicated process for the adoptive parents and the adoptee alike. As an adoptee myself, I have struggled with acknowledging my story as it is often seen as “uncommon.” Growing up, when friends would talk about their family history and other topics it would bring an overwhelming sense of uncertainty. I did not know my ethnicity, I did not know my medical history, and I did not know my genes. All I knew was that I was (and still am) Hannah: an adopted individual with a different family story than my friends, but still a unique and loveable person. As I think about my friends and how we interacted, I realize that not everyone knows how to interact with those who are adopted. So here are three important tidbits to acknowledge:
Every adoptee has their own story
This seems obvious; however, sometimes we forget the many circumstances that are behind adoption. We are often caught in the cycle of putting common things ideas – people, places, things, experiences. For example, in school we learn how to place like things together during our math units and how to find different patterns. And as we interact with our social circle, our brains seem to group people together based on how they look, their personalities, and their social standings. Although it is easy to place all adopted individuals into one category, we must remember every single adoption story is different.
Different Types of Adoption: Open, Closed, and Semi-Open
Some adoptees experience an open adoption. This is when they still have contact with their biological family in whatever capacity they wish to. This could be something as simple as texts and calls here and there, or it could be more complex like celebrating holidays or other events with their biological family. While an open adoption may sound wonderful on the outside, some of these adoption stories are filled with hurt, pain, and disappointment.
For example, someone may face disappointment in the open adoption process because it does not meet their needs of what they want from the birth parent. Sometimes with open adoptions, the birth parents choose to not engage or to engage with limits, leaving the adoptee wanting more. Other times, like for a mentor of mine, she experienced an open adoption, but really did not get along well with birth parents. She shared that she went through the process of meeting them so that she could gain a better understanding of her genes, but other than that had a very limited and frustrating experience with her birth parents.
Other adoptee individuals experience closed adoptions. This is when there is no contact between the adoptive family and the birth family. Again, some of these closed adoptions have happy and wonderful stories, while others experience deep hurt and pain associated with it.
My personal example is that while my adoption was closed, my birth mother did not respect the boundaries of a closed adoption. This led to many emotional and terrible experiences during my high school time. I faced so many questions and wondered things such as “why me?” “what if i was living with them?” “Who would I be if my life was different?” While a closed adoption is often chosen to protect the child from experiences such as those I faced, it does not always go according to plan as there are many ways to reach people without their permission.
Lastly, an individual can experience a semi-open adoption. This is when there is partial contact between the adoptive family and the birth family. Each journey within these categories tells a different story. For some individuals, being adopted is the best part of their story. They love that they were given new opportunities and a chance at life again. For others, being adopted can bring up hurt and pain as they cannot understand how or why they were given up for adoption. Regardless of their story, it is important to show these friends they are cared for and worthy of the love and affection shown by others. All adoptees eventually must create their own lives as unique individuals, the same as the rest of the population.
Regardless of a closed or open adoption, adoptees all face the “what if” and “why me” questions. Especially if you were given up without knowing why. For those who experience open adoption, they often get the opportunity to ask those what if questions and gain greater insight into their genetic background. Those who experience closed adoption often do not get those answers until later in life, if ever.
Be a source of hope
Hope is an important aspect of every adoptive journey, both for a family seeking an adopted child and for the adoptee themselves. Hope is necessary for the family wanting to adopt a child, as they are eagerly awaiting a fit that works with their family. Hope is part of the adopted individual’s journey, as they hope the adoption will create a better future for them. And lastly, hope is important for the birth family that gave their child up for adoption, as they are hoping this selfless act of love will provide their child with an even better life then they could have given.
Although not every adoption story is positive, providing those around us with a source of hope helps them to change their mindset. We can provide hope for our adopted friends and family by continually reminding them how much they are loved and cared for. While we cannot change their stories, we can provide them with a space to be heard, understood, and cared for.
My wish for adoptees and their families is a community to find peace in the fact that they are wanted by so many and that even though we face that innate sense of abandonment, we can create a wonderful and happy community. For me personally, I have found the most peace and help from friends who help find me resources to connect or read about other adopted people. Tangibly, I do not think there is much we can offer our friends who experience adoption other than hope, a listening ear, and a community. Our journeys are all so different but one thing that is so comforting is knowing we can have quality time with people who care for us. Consider sharing a meal, or even making a meal for someone when they experience something traumatic from their adoptions.
Allow space and be understanding
The feelings that arise throughout an individual’s adoption journey can come in waves. Personally, I had a difficult time understanding the way my birth family was and why they “didn’t want me” all throughout high school. Adoptees also tend to have adoption enter the mind during big milestones such as graduations, having a child, and weddings. These moments sometimes bring the questions like “who I would have been if I was not adopted?” And “What it would be like for others to be here?” etc. Although I have faced some pretty terrible events with my birth mom this has added to my ability to be a strong and loving individual. I attended therapy to gain a deeper knowledge of who I was becoming, how my story affected my relationships, and how to heal from the hurt and pain I felt from my birth family. By the time I graduated from high school and began college, being adopted was only part of my story. I would share it with those who were interested and connected with others because we shared a similar background.
Adoptees want to create deep and meaningful relationships with those around us, but sometimes we need a little extra encouragement as many of us face the fear of abandonment. We want the people we create relationships with to love us and cherish us and understandably have worries about being left out or left behind. Be patient with us! Adopted individuals are just as fun, loving, and wonderful as our friends that are born into traditional biological families. We remind ourselves that the only difference is that our families got to choose us.
If you know someone who is adopted, lean into being a support system by providing them with a listening ear, a hopeful outlook, and a space to share their journey.
Resources:
Adoption is Both by Elena S Hall (book)
Nobody Looks Like Me: An Adoptee Experience (book)
Celia Center, a non-profit dedicated to the constellation of support for foster care and adoption families
