Setting Boundaries While Staying Connected: A 3-Step Approach for Big Emotions

Children test limits every day, not to be difficult, but rather to seek safety and predictability. When a child encounters a new or unpredictable limit, heightened emotions can quickly follow. Although it can feel challenging to balance boundaries with big feelings, these moments are also an opportunity to connect with your child emotionally and show them that emotions can be felt without taking over the situation

What is ACT?

ACT is a simple limit-setting approach created by Dr. Gary Landreth, the founder of Child Centered Play Therapy. The ACT framework helps parents respond consistently to challenging emotions and behaviors. It also supports parents in acknowledging a child’s feelings during activating moments while still providing clear containment. ACT limit setting consists of 3 steps:

1. A: Acknowledge the feeling. 
2. C: Communicate the limit neutrally. 
3. T: Target acceptable alternatives. 

A: Acknowledge the Feeling

When you begin by acknowledging your child’s feelings, they are more likely to feel seen and heard. This also helps children learn to identify their emotions in the moment. Many parents worry that validating their child’s emotions during an outburst will unintentionally validate their child’s behaviors, but ACT addresses this by reflecting the emotion neutrally without endorsing the behavior. Some examples of neutral emotion reflection are:

• “I can see you are feeling frustrated”
• “You’re feeling disappointed because you wanted to keep playing”
• “I can see you are feeling anxious about your upcoming test”

This provides your child with a clear label to their emotion. If you get it wrong, it gives your child an opportunity to correct you. Either way, your child is able to see that you care and are trying to understand them. Connecting emotionally first can reduce the feeling that they are alone in their emotions, and it helps many children accept the new limits more readily (even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment).

C: Communicate the Limit Neutrally

After you have established emotional connection, it is time to set the limit. By stating the limit in neutral language, rather than responding from a “stop doing that” framework, parents are able to reduce the feeling of shame around the behavior. For example:

• “That toy is not for throwing”
• “It is time to put the iPad away”
• “We are still going to the classroom”

Neutral limit-setting communicates that the behavior is not acceptable, without attacking the child. It is important to be consistent with limits, following through with them shows your child that you are reliable and trustworthy.

T: Target Acceptable Alternatives

Once you have acknowledged your child’s feelings and set the limit, the next step is to provide your child with replacement behaviors. When children act out strongly, it is often an attempt to express an overwhelming emotion. Removing the outlet can lead them to search for another one. By providing them with some acceptable alternatives, you give them autonomy and teach problem-solving for the future. For example:

• “You can choose to throw a ball outside, or you can choose to do some jumping jacks”
• “You can choose to play with your Legos or you can choose to draw”
• “You can choose if you would like me to walk into school with you or if you would like to walk in alone”

In most cases, two choices is best, as it supports their agency without overwhelming them. However, if offering them choices appears to increase their distress, it is appropriate to decide for your child in the moment while still keeping the boundary firm.

Common Pitfalls

Even with a clear model, limit-setting can get derailed. One common challenge is overexplaining when a child is in distress, with the perception that if the parent is able to show their child the logic, their child will begin to listen. When children are emotionally activated, they typically can’t process logic well. This is why it is important to keep the ACT sentences concise and clear. 

Another common tactic parents might lean on when setting limits is attempting to bargain with their child’s behaviors or emotions. This might look like a parent stating “if you calm down right now, you can play 5 more minutes of your game”. This often communicates that the child must avoid or stop their feelings before the limit changes, teaching them that they need to avoid their emotions, rather than showing them how to express them in a more appropriate manner. Bargaining can also make rules feel inconsistent or dependent upon negotiation. ACT aims to be steady: feelings are acknowledged, boundaries are held, and alternatives are offered without negation that shifts what the rules are.

Takeaways

It can be difficult to set limits when your child is having a strong emotional response, but by using the ACT formula, you can provide your child with emotional support and a framework with how they can express their emotions in an alternative manner. Over time, and with repetition, children learn that their feelings matter, their parents are consistent, and that they have the ability to transition from distress to appropriate outlets on their own.

By: Sydney Schleicher, AMFT