Recently a writer for Healthline contacted me to collaborate on an article on healthy relationships. You can read the comprehensive article here, and my full responses to her questions below.
- What are a few key signs of a healthy relationships? A few red flags that might suggest a relationship isn’t healthy?
Healthy relationships come in all forms, but one thing they largely share is that they are adaptable to their circumstances and hold flexible mindsets about the other person. In other words, they need to be able to withstand the course of time and the fact we are always changing and going through different phases in life.Red flags in relationships usually involve unhealthy ways we express ourselves: Contempt (criticism from a position of superiority) has been studied extensively (Gottman) as the #1 predictor of divorce. Generally couples come to therapy when they have some issues to work through, but a big red flag is when you have an overwhelming amount of negative sentiment toward the other person no matter what day or situation you find yourself in.Another red flag is what I call the “walking on eggshells” situation — when one partner is dancing around trying to pacify the other partner. Both may be unaware of doing this. It’s important to address early in therapy.
- If someone wonders whether their relationship is healthy or not, what sort of things might you encourage them to consider or ask themselves about the relationship?
Does my partner support the version of myself I love most or am trying to be more of? Do I see myself as growing in a way that I want alongside my partner regardless of our different interests or motivations? Am I ever walking on eggshells around this person on a day to day basis? If my partner remained more or less the same version of themselves, would that be okay? This last one is important because we are never in control of changing another person. Couples therapy is still about two people arriving to work on themselves.
- What are a few tips or strategies you might recommend to a couple looking to build a strong, healthy relationship (or improve one)?
Look for someone who complements you and embrace those qualities about them. They might be very ambitious while you are more of a homebody — this is actually a very good dynamic as you have someone who can initiate activity or get out and adventure and one who enjoys quiet time and keeping the home fire burning.Be curious about the way each other does things or sees things instead of trying to get them to see it your way — work to solve problems and not make each other the problem.Know that Gottman’s research has also shown that about 2/3 of problems couples endure are “perpetual” or chronic — they just result from you being two different people. These require the art of compromise and acceptance and some creative work arounds. The other 1/3 are considered “solvable” and it can be hard to know the difference. But once you do, there is a plan for each. Consider some counseling sessions as part of your healthy relationship!
