Have you ever wondered why you act the way you do in relationships? For example, do you emotionally shut down when you get into a fight? Or do you constantly need reassurance to feel okay? For those of you dating, have you ever found yourself unable to get closer to someone as soon as feelings start to develop (maybe finding it easier to just ghost them? )
These are all normal feelings and questions that you may have asked yourself at some point. When two people come together to build a relationship, it can be a wonderful connection. It can also be triggering and cause unresolved pain to surface. This can be challenging for the relationship, and confusing as to why we act the way we do.
Our experiences when we are young shape how we relate to our close friends and partners. Creating a secure relationship can be challenging, especially for those who didn’t have a secure attachment as a child. What do we mean by “attachment”, and how does this affect your adult relationships?
There are generally four attachment styles that people fall into: secure attachment, preoccupied attachment, dismissive/avoidant attachment, and disorganized/fearful attachment. Each style comes with its own set of characteristics, tendencies, learned coping skills. Each style also affects our nervous systems differently.
Attachment Style Influences Every Relationship
Most people find that they relate to more than one attachment style. Growing up, you may have developed a different attachment to different people depending on the interactions you had together. You also likely have different attachment styles across different relationships. For example, maybe in platonic relationships you relate through secure patterns, and in romantic relationships you relate through more fearful patterns. Additionally, our attachment styles can change as we go through different experiences in each developmental stage.
Which style are you? See which one you can relate to, and remember that you may not fit in just one box!
Secure Attachment
Loving and supportive when others are emotional, seeks support when upset, healthy communication, easily soothed with empathy.
Preoccupied Attachment
- Hypervigilant about others’ feelings
- Needs frequent reassurance
- Communicates needs dramatically
- Does not feel easily reassured or soothed
Dismissive/Avoidant Attachment
- Uncomfortable in the presence of emotions
- Seeks distraction when upset
- Does not communicate emotional needs to others
- Finds empathy and nurturing to be uncomfortable.
Disorganized/Fearful Attachment
- Oscillates between clinging and pushing
- Feels angry and disoriented when emotional
- Struggles to trust the intentions of anyone
- Does not feel truly safe in any relationship.
Luckily, even you did not come out of childhood with a tendency towards secure attachment, there are ways to create this connection in your relationships.
Ways To Create Better Relationships
First, it helps to understand what triggers the unhelpful parts of your attachment style (for example, feeling insecure and the need for reassurance.) Can you be aware of these moments, and understand that it’s your personal response? Therefore, it is not usually related to someone else’s feelings about you?
Second, it helps to understand how your life experiences (especially childhood experiences) have taught you to relate to others. How have you learned to cope as a kid? For example, were new experiences welcomed in your family, or were they a reason to be cautious? Were people automatically given trust and responsibility, or did they have to earn it?
Individual therapy or couples therapy is a great way to gain a better understanding of your attachment story. You will learn how it impacts your relationships, and therapy allows for growth, healing, and better relationships to develop.
Remember, you are not the attachment style! Your style is an illumination of past experiences and the ways you learned to cope with them. Insecure attachment patterns are not personal defects. They are previously learned patterns that may no longer serve you. What was adaptive before can become maladaptive now.
Therapy is a great place to develop new tools for relating to others. Call or text us to make an appointment by telehealth or at one of our offices! 510.842.7097
