Parenting small children can be challenging. Some of the most difficult moments include tantrums, misbehavior and angry outbursts. When your child is acting out or melting down, what is their behavior telling you? How can we weather these difficult moments with our children while still remaining in charge?
One of the most valuable tools in helping your child to manage big emotions lies in the parent-child relationship and your ability to be emotionally present with your child during times of distress as well as times of joy. This means being able to manage your own feelings and competing priorities. Big feelings often occur at inconvenient times!
Behavior is Communication
Unlike adults, children often don’t have the vocabulary or experience to name exactly what they are feeling and ask for what they need in a difficult moment. Just like us, our children experience a variety of different emotions throughout the day, including sadness, embarrassment, joy and fear. Some of these emotions can show up as difficult behavior—like having a meltdown or an angry outburst. When a child is acting out, this can often communicate an unmet need:
ANGER can mean: “…help me manage my feelings.”
FEAR can mean: “…please protect me.”
SADNESS can mean: “…please comfort me.”
HAPPINESS can mean:“…enjoy this WITH me.”
The underlying need for many of our children’s emotions is “teach me how to organize my feelings so that I don’t act out.”
Co-regulation
Young children are not always able to regulate their emotions on their own, and many adults struggle with moments of dysregulation as well. Road rage, yelling, or other angry outbursts are common examples. Feelings are normal for every human being, but how to cope with a particular feeling is something we need to learn. The ability to manage our feelings is something we never learn alone. The better we can help soothe children when they are frustrated, the better they are able to learn to do it for themselves.
As caregivers, our emotional state is important for helping our children to be able to manage their own emotional state. Children rely on grown-ups to model how to manage tough emotions through our language, behavior, and our ability to calm ourselves. Co-regulation is when children develop the ability to calm and manage their emotions through connection with their caregivers.
How to Support Co-Regulation:
- Pay attention to your own emotions and self-regulation
- Model calming strategies like deep breathing
- Use a calm tone of voice and provide a warm and supportive presence
- Help your child to organize their feelings by teaching words that label their emotions
- Provide a structured environment that supports physical and emotional safety
When you’re having a difficult moment, or you are with someone who is, remember the word “skill.” Dealing with this moment requires a skill that needs to be used on yourself, or taught to another person. With children this usually involves waiting until they are through the height of their emotional state and the revisiting it with them later when they are more able to take in what you have to teach.
“Being With:” A simple reminder to help kids cope
Infants and young children need us to help manage their big feelings. They will mainly learn from us (parents and caregivers) how to understand those feelings. Our ability to recognize, understand and in a kind way share our children’s emotions is called “Being With” in our field.
“Being With” teaches our children that they are not alone, that they can count on us, that they can find safety and security in us, and then manage their emotions. As they grow older they will be better able to manage their emotions in their own knowing that if they need additional support we will be there. When needed, take charge as the parent but remember to do so with kindness.
An example is a child who becomes upset by something a sibling or friend said to them. If they are crying, raging, or in a heightened state, you can use “Being With” to show them that you are available and competent to hold their big feelings. Once they calm down, you can help them identify the feelings they are experiencing and come up with coping strategies for those feelings. You can identify in this example that the child’s feelings were hurt, or that they felt misunderstood or attacked. Empathize with their feeling, even if it there may be a logical explanation that would correct the situation. Then together work to solve for the feeling. “When you feel hurt, how can you take care of yourself? What can you say or do so that the situation doesn’t get worse for you?” This might involve in-the-moment solutions (redirect to a soothing activity) as well as longer term planning (self-advocacy around someone who says upsetting things).
Every “big feeling” moment is a chance to experiment and learn.
Adapted from:
Daniel Siegal, No Drama Discipline
Circle of Security International
By Naomi Briley
