Looking for guidance around screens and phone use? It’s time to give our kids the childhood and adolescence they deserve. We heard the following comments in the last month alone:
“Tik Tok ruined my child’s ability to have fun.”
“He isn’t interested in anything but the phone.”
“She doesn’t know how to talk to others in real life.”
“He compares his athletic ability to Instagram highlight reels.”
“We can’t have a meal without someone taking a picture of it.”
“My friends don’t talk to each other at school lunch. Everyone is on their phone.”
We know screen time and phone addiction is a problem. We see the stats about the rise in depression, anxiety, and suicide since the invention of social media. We hear it from teens themselves how miserable it is to maintain an online persona. So let’s get real about screen time on their behalf. Even if you think this ship has sailed, we hope to empower you with something to turn the tide. Know you are not alone. Therapists are parents too and we are right there with you!
It Is Time To Be The Boss Of Our Digital Lives
Author and social psychologist Jonathan Haidt is saying what the rest of us have not had the courage to put out there, or at least not so explicitly. We overprotect our kids in the real world (“helicopter parenting”) and under protect them online. This starts early, with the internet as a child-occupying activity. Then we give them smart phones too soon, and social media takes over. We succumb to what others are doing. We wonder why they can’t unplug.
You are not alone. Consider this a call to action to minimize and monitor screen time, and we are here to support you with wherever you’d like to begin.
How It Gets Started…Is It Really “Helpful” To Parents?
So why do we need these new norms? It’s been a trend that parents have had trouble keeping up with. Something happens, usually around the start of middle school. Kids press for a phone. They see you on it all the time. Or one friend gets a hand-me-down iPhone. We learn about YouTube or TikTok because the zoo, or a kid’s favorite athlete has posted something. And your student has more independence, and they show more responsibility. You think it’ll be easier on you, the parent, to get them a phone. You’ll be able to reach them whenever you want. Track their location. Take away the hassle of making a plan in advance by say, agreeing on a location and pickup time.
We are all for parents doing things that make life easier on themselves. But we must acknowledge the effect these choices have, and do so with open eyes. The flip side of having a quiet house with everyone in their corners on their screens, or a peaceful dinner with a child on an iPad, is the very problem we find ourselves in. A slippery slope, you might say.
Why aren’t we providing a flip phone as a first phone if it’s for the benefit of reaching them? We can use smart watches instead, or Apple Airtags, or intentional planning so we don’t need to communicate on the fly. Kids should not have the internet in their pocket. There is nothing wrong with kids; they simply do not have the impulse control to be able to not get attached.
Minimizing Screen Time Is A Pillar Of Health
We are practical therapists with families ourselves. And there are many, many wonderful things about phones and the internet in our pockets — and even social media. But it’s difficult to use social media in a way that doesn’t affect mental health, especially those under 25 with a still-developing brain. And there is no denying that this is a diet that we feed ourselves, and one that our children consume more than most other activities. Should’t we care and teach about it as much as we do about food, or sleep, or other basic facets of well-being? Would we allow a steady diet of candy the same way we allow YouTube?
It’s Just Another Way We Take Care Of Each Other
One way to look at this, and to explain this to kids, is that screens are just one more area where children need our protection. We already guide and control so much of their lives as they prepare for adulthood, and having a healthy engagement with the internet and technology is important. It is not their fault that they cannot do this on their own. Not even adults are not strong enough to resist the millions of dollars spent by tech giants who hire behavioral psychologists to learn how to keep people coming back to their platforms.
Notifications and screen engagement (including video games, pings, red notifications, scrolling) hit our dopamine receptors, which is a neurotransmitter in our brain responsible for its reward system. It makes the rest of life pale in comparison, and it’s based in our brain chemistry!
The Four New “Norms” To Push For
Perhaps you’ve seen Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation, shouting from the rooftops about the 4 things he wants to implement to turn the tide against the many problems of young people and screens.
Here are the four new “norms” identified by Haidt:
- No smart phones until high school
- No social media until age 16
- No phones in school
- More independence, free play, and responsibility in the real world
What Will This Take?
We need to be willing to accept ownership over our child’s use of screens, when they get a phone or iPad, how much they use it, and what they do on it. Preschoolers are not allowed to eat candy all day any more than a middle schooler is not allowed to smoke. The “digital diet”, both in quality and content, is such an important pillar of health for all of us that we can set examples and talk about them every day. Discuss how the news affects adult’s moods, or talk about how you feel after getting a stressful email.
Get comfortable with your kid complaining as you clean up their digital diet. Take one step at a time.
Implementing Household Change
In addition to pushing for change in the community (the 4 norms), we need to be stronger to stand up to our kids who will always want to press for screen times and phones. Loyal Blue provides parent coaching around these topics, and family sessions to resolve these issues.
This will take more involvement from parents (or community resources, family members) in order to occupy kids during time that they are currently entertained by screens. This is a hard truth, and one that has been difficult especially since Covid when parents had to wear so many hats. Instead of having a house with four people in corners on screens, we will need to engage with our kids more, or help them engage with alternative activities. This might be awkward at first. It’s not supposed to feel natural. It’s okay if one kid complains or to take turns with choosing activities.
We need to practice how to respond to our kids and how we will cope with their complaining. We need to think of this the same way we do other pillars of health that we stand up for (bedtime, going to school, road safety, etc.)
The Most Important New Norm, And The Ones Kids Will Love
The most important piece of the 4 norms is to provide more freedom to kids who naturally want to explore on their own. If they are old enough to have an expensive device, then they are old enough to learn some ways to be out in the world on their own. Let them run an errand, or make family pancakes for dinner. Give them independence by asking what they wish they could do more of. Drop them with their friends for a few hours downtown. Send them to the grocery store while you take care of something next door. Help them brainstorm.
If they have been especially centered around their phones, none of this will sound fun to them. Do it anyway. Protecting your kids from too much screen time takes intention and planning. It is easy to fall into a quiet household with everyone on screens instead of getting some boundaries in place, but it is worth it to raise kids who are ready to be in the real world.
Ideas To Get Started Right Now With Better Screen Habits:
We know you’re familiar with a lot of ideas around limits. We hope some of these ideas are more creative and direct.
- Have your kids make a list of things they like to do that are not screens. Think big and don’t limit by practicality. Have at least 15 things on this list. When kids make a list themselves, they are more likely to follow it. Edit regularly!
- Use screens alternatively: let the internet be a way of helping kids perform an activity that promotes an interest. Help them use a language app like DuoLingo. Get them on a cooking demonstration in your kitchen, or a drawing tutorial — anything that is interactive and skill-based.
- Agree with fellow parents to provide phone-free hangout time, the same way you would scout for safety at a toddler playdate in a home with a pool. Speak up.
- Help them have fun in old-fashioned ways: watch a movie, play a game, walk to ice cream, visit a park or museum — drop them off somewhere if they are old enough.
- Designate screen-free meals, with no exceptions For parents too. Yes, this includes breakfast and your habit of scanning the news.
- Do not (as a routine), let your child watch TV in the morning, or play video games upon waking. It sets them up to be bored by regular life and more easily dysregulated. The start of the day instead be attuned to their personality (consider activities for the slow-starters, as well as those who bounce out of bed). Help them think about the day ahead, and they will begin paying attention to real-world cues instead of zoning out and relying on you to tell them to stop. Get up earlier to be with them, or work with them to provide alternatives until you wake up.
- Do not give your child a phone out in public to keep them quiet. Bring a coloring book or a deck of cards. Let them make a small mess at the right restaurant, but be patient and firm and teach them how to behave. Leave them at home with a babysitter if it’s not the right kind of restaurant for their age or if it will stress you out. Put them in a place to succeed at what they can developmentally do, instead of launching them into an adult world and then pacifying them with a phone.
- Consider flexibility around what must be done before accessing screen time, so that kids don’t rush their other activities and responsibilities. Perhaps this is a list of things to do in order to receive screen time the following day (get outside, read a book, see a friend, exercise, do homework).
- Teach, teach teach. Demonstrate paying attention to real world (no phones while walking to school and definitely not while crossing the street!) Let them look at the window during car rides and talk to you. At an event they are uninterested in (a sibling sporting event, family gathering) let them bring anything they want from home to play with. Or leave them with a babysitter. Again, do not put them in situations for too long or too often where they max out their self-entertainment skills. (Yes, kids can learn these skills when not offered an easier way out).
We can help! We offer family sessions, parent coaching, and individual support. Send us an inquiry.
Do you have a question about screen time for our therapists? Send us an email and we’ll get back to you ASAP.
Trainings We’d Done, Movies We’ve Watched, Books We’ve Read And Recommend:
Tech Addiction and Digital Health in Children and Adolescents: Effective strategies for problem screen usage, how family dynamics relate to problematic digital behaviors and what to do about it, proven interventions to reduce gaming and social media obsessions, strategies to improve digital boundaries and discipline.
The Teenager Leading the Smartphone Liberation Movement
How To Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price
Many many resources here, filter by type.
Important: This post is for informational and educational purposes only. This post should not be taken as therapy or medical advice or used as a substitute for such. We would be happy to refer you to a professional!
