Do you or a loved one identify as a perfectionist? One of the many unwritten blog posts I have is called “Self-Compassion Through Typos.” This is a topic after my own heart, one for those who need to be given permission to walk away from more work and attention to detail in order to focus on the journey, not the temptation of a perfect destination. Perfectionism is not the problem itself — it’s a symptom of a deeper anxiety which fuels the perfectionism machine.
It’s important to overcome perfectionism because it can leave you overwhelmed with doubt and indecision, not to mention difficulty completing tasks. When “done” isn’t good enough, you can never rest. Even if you think you’re not a perfectionist, chances are you have spent more energy than necessary on managing certain tendencies towards perfectionism, or dealing with someone else (a loved one, coworker etc) whose perfectionism affects you.
What is perfectionism? Signs you may be under its spell
Perfectionism can start early, with origins socially (family expectations or social comparisons), as well as basic personality type (high in conscientiousness or neuroticism — read more about the Big 5 Personality traits here). It can develop into other-oriented perfectionism “others shouldn’t let me down” or stick to the self “I cannot relax until this is perfect.”
Therapists work with perfectionists to understand the piece of the puzzle that is trying to correct or hide perceived flaws. Is this client trying to prove themselves, or avoid an unpleasant feeling, like judgement or shame?
As Morra Aarons-Mele says in The Anxious Achiever, perfectionism is not about personal growth or improvement. It’s more like “holding on for dear life and throwing yourself at something to avoid bad feelings.”
Beliefs and Behaviors of Perfectionists
Perfectionists hold beliefs that result in behaviors which are maladaptive to well-being. Many perfectionist beliefs can be understood as “common cognitive distortions” we work with in therapy with people with anxiety and depression. In CBT, we call this our “inner critic.” It is concerned what other people think and results in:
- Unreasonably high standards for the self and others
- Need for control, including lack of trust in others’ competence
- Catastrophic thinking when expectations are not met
Therefore, the behaviors produced from these beliefs can be:
- Overcompensating (concealing fragility of self)
- Compulsive behaviors (monitoring or hoarding)
- Seeking reassurance
- Unnecessary correcting of others, including re-doing
- Difficulty making decisions
- Stubbornness, even in the face of ineffective approach
- Lack of trust when delegating
- Disordered eating
- Having a stress response when expectations are not met
Perfectionism is the most paralyzing form of self-abuse
Perfectionism is simply not functional for many reasons. When nothing is good enough, we tend to procrastinate, which leads to more self-criticism and overwhelm. Fear and anxiety divert our energy from productive action. So what can we do instead?
Taming the Inner Critic
1. Use CBT to identify “Events” which house automatic thoughts that trigger the cycle of perfectionism, and challenge them with self-compassion and a plan of action.
For example: Thinking about the presentation —-> You need more time before showing it to your boss or they will wonder why they hired you. (automatic thought).
Challenge: I completed the slides and scanned for typos. I know this material. I will do my usual calming routine before big meetings, and schedule time to review it with my boss.
2. Improve our tolerance for uncertainty and mistakes (distress tolerance, emotional regulation). Instead of shying away from uncertain outcomes, encourage yourself (and your kids) to join the action. Talk about your fears of how things will go, and compare notes and give high fives for participation.
No post on perfectionism would be complete without mentioning the importance of self-compassion. We would reassure and console others for their efforts and deserve the same for ourselves.
For recovering perfectionists, mindfulness-based stress reduction can be helpful. We also recommend journaling in order to note our limitations and imperfections, and see where we’ve made progress in our relationship with ourselves.
Consider adopting some of the following ideas:
- Not every project, person, or situation demands your best work. We simply cannot care or give 10/10 effort on all classes, relationships, activities.
- Build time in your life for learning something new. When you can choose a new skill or interest, you give yourself the opportunity to be a beginner and adopt a beginner’s mindset.
- Consider dumb luck, or happy coincidences. Not everything good that comes our way was gotten by our controlling, perfectionist, scheduled selves. In fact, leaving imperfect unscheduled space just might allow for a big idea or an unplanned fortuitous conversation.
Let me know if you find any typos. 🙂
