Strategies For Your Family To Effectively Deal With Tantrums and Meltdowns —
If you are like most parents, you have probably had the experience of a crying, screaming, tantruming child at an inopportune moment. Tantrums are developmentally normal, but that doesn’t remove the frustration and stress that frequent tantrums can cause for yourself, your family, and for your child. Here are some tips that can help you through those difficult times:
Remember That Behavior Is Communication
All behavior across the lifespan is communication, and tantrums are your child’s way of telling you something. Some tantrums may be easy for you to understand (e.g., you’re at the grocery store right before naptime and you just said ‘no’ to getting the extra large pack of marshmallows), but if you experience frequent tantrums that feel unpredictable or ‘out of the blue’, it can help to remember that tantrums are communicative.
If you are having trouble predicting when or why your toddler might tantrum, start taking notes. Include:
- The date and time of the tantrum (and how long it lasts!)
- What happened right BEFORE the tantrum started
- What happened during the tantrum (including your child’s behavior, and the things you tried to stop the tantrum)
- What happened right AFTER the tantrum ended
Once you start collecting this kind of information, you may notice patterns emerge. You might realize that tantrums happen at a similar time during the day, or that tantrums might be ending because your child has received something or avoided something. Once you learn what kinds of things set your child off and what your child most often uses tantrums to communicate, you can strategically use this information to make changes to the environment – or changes to your responses to tantrums.
Know The Difference Between A “Meltdown” and “Tantrum”
Understood.org has an excellent article called “The Difference Between Tantrums and Meltdowns” that I recommend every parent read because it succinctly explains two different things that your child may be communicating with “tantruming” behaviors.
- Tantrum: I want something, or I want to avoid X/Y/Z thing, and I feel angry about it and I want you to know. For example, a preschooler who is angry that dad won’t buy the extra large pack of marshmallows at the grocery store is engaging in classic tantruming behavior. He’s communicating, “I want this, and I’m angry that I don’t have it, and I need you to know”.
- Meltdown: A situation is overwhelming, and I don’t know how to cope. For example, a toddler who is tired at the crowded grocery store and overwhelmed by the sensory information they’re receiving (e.g., it’s too loud, it’s too hot, it’s too bright) is communicating “I feel stressed and physically uncomfortable and I don’t know how to help myself feel better.”
There are many factors that can lead to tantruming behavior, and you may find when you start documenting your child’s tantrums that sometimes they may “tantrum” and sometimes they may “meltdown”. However, the reason it is important to distinguish between these two ideas is this: you should almost never give in to demands during a tantrum, but you should almost always try to remove or reduce stimuli that are uncomfortable or stressful for your child. Don’t give your kid those marshmallows – but consider taking them to a quieter part of the store to calm down.
Teach Communication Skills
Behavior is communication, and if your child is tantruming they are trying to tell you something. Much of the time, when kids have the vocabulary to express their feelings and needs, the intensity and frequency of tantrum behaviors goes down. Some strategies that can help strengthen your child’s communication skills include:
- Model appropriate communication. If your child sees you yelling when you are upset, they will yell when they are upset. Try to express yourself to your child in the way you wish they would express themselves to you. Keep it age appropriate of course – but always stop and think, “Is this how I’d want my child to talk to me?”
- Talk about feelings often. Help your toddler notice their feelings, and talk about your own feelings. You can take gentle guesses (“I think you’re feeling mad right now”) and express your feelings (in an age-appropriate fashion – e.g., “I feel sad when you yell at me”) to help your child develop awareness of their own feelings and of the feelings of other people.
- Consider using books to talk about emotions. Here’s some books I regularly use with parents and kids:
- The Way I Feel by Janan Cain
- Glad Monster, Sad Monster by Ed Emberly
- The Feelings Book by Todd Par
- Sometimes I’m Bombaloo by Rachel Vail, Yumi Heo
- It’s Hard to Be Five: Learning to Work My Control Panel by Jamie Lee Curtis (Depending on how close to 55 the kiddo is, definitely a fun option for when they turn five!)
- The Color Monster: A Pop-Up Book of Feelings by Anna Llenas
You can also check out a list published by pre-kpages.com Titled “Books About Emotions for Preschool” by Vanessa Levin – it’s a great list that includes books appropriate for a wide variety of ages!
- Reinforce the communication you want to see – even if it follows a tantrum. I don’t mean give the child what they want every time they ask, but if you survive a 10 minute tantrum and at the end when your child is done they tell you “I’m mad” or “I’m so sad”, praise that behavior. You don’t have to sweep the negative behavior under the rug or not address it, but make sure you say, “thank you for using your words to tell me”
With these strategies we think you can help you and your child communicate better and reduce the frustration and stress you feel with these types of behavior.
By: Olivia Moody
