Therapists have a variety of approaches to improve relationships, but the best ones center around an important principle: focusing on yourself to enact change. There are two great mistakes people make in relationships. One is trying to change the other person. The other is hoping they will understand you intuitively, also known as “mind reading.” Instead of these aggressive and passive approaches, be clear with the people in your world about your own priorities and preferences.
Good partnerships support the ability to state thoughts and feelings, and tolerate differences. It is NOT our job to make someone else think or feel the same way. It is also not wise to assume that another person knows our preferences and will be guided by them. Couples engage in the same arguments again and again because each partner keeps doing the same behavior. We get mad that someone didn’t automatically fulfill our request. Or we fall into an agreement to do something we know we’ll regret, which taints the relationship.
When we don’t stay attuned to our own needs and communicate them, it is easy to get caught up in blaming and feelings of resentment. But this is within our own control to stop.
Focus On Your Own Preferences
Instead of focusing on winning an argument or currying favor to your own point of view, put your energy into action steps for your own problems. While we all have responsibilities that can be unpleasant, figure out your own limits and set boundaries by only agreeing to what will keep you free from anger, resentment, or blame. Doing a favor for someone and then resenting them later is no favor at all! Translate any anger about situations you are currently in into future-focused clarity about how you might choose differently. The goal is to break a pattern and develop a stronger sense of self.
Practice Using Your Voice
For example, if there are tasks around the house that you would like to share, or even hand off for the week to take a break, kindly ask for help. If you would like to leave the house at a particular time, assist everyone by working backwards to help them make it happen. Don’t empty the dishwasher, fueled by resentment, or become angry when the family isn’t magically ready to leave at your desired time. If you need to block off more time for deep work at the office instead of meetings, see if you can arrange your schedule better to support what’s important. Don’t complain about a meeting you agreed to unless you tried to make it work better for you first.
Chronic anger and bitterness is a red flag to strengthen your communication and boundaries in a relationship. Re-examine your schedule with a view towards discovering what you think, feel, and want. Share your thoughts and desires with caring and humility, knowing that one of the first things we teach our kids is that we don’t always get what we want. We can take responsibility for our problems and work towards solutions and let others be responsible for theirs. We can compromise, communicate, compromise again — and let each other be unique individuals.
It’s Okay When You Don’t Get What You Want
You won’t always get your requests met. Even those who like to help are still imperfect people who forget and don’t do things the same way you’re used to. Also, others are allowed to have their own opinions and preferences too, which is where compromise comes in. But it is far better for everyone to know where you stand. Then you have at least given yourself a voice, and when things don’t go the way you want, you can go about the very adult task of coping with some disappointment, irritation, or fatigue. We teach many coping strategies for emotional regulation and building self-worth in complicated situations that require compromise and acquiescence.
Why Are We Like This? (How Therapy Helps)
It is easy to lose confidence when your choices are not met with your partner’s approval, or when your requests are not honored by someone like a boss or family member. But keep going. The practice of allowing others to approve or reject even small decisions has a label: codependency. Although it is important to accept influence from someone important in your life, when it comes to chronic arguments (also known as “perpetual problems”), it is important for those who lean towards codependency take up their own cause and be clear on what they can control.
Why do some of us have trouble with agreements we make and getting what we want?
- Growing up in a family that wasn’t well attuned to emotional needs and fostered “independence” instead of empathy
- Prior experience with abusive or controlling relationships can lead to fear and “walking on eggshells” instead of autonomy
- Low self-worth and a desire to please others attempts to avoid conflict or improve feelings about ourselves
- Lack of interpersonal skills (often cycling between passive and aggressive behavior, giving up easily when one or the other doesn’t “work”)
Therapy is the best method to work through these topics. Therapy can help you identify what is important to you and how to communicate it, as well as how to cope with disappointment or anger when things don’t go your way.
