Our relationships with others are the foundation of how we relate to the world. Whether you are in relationship to someone, or perhaps lacking a relationship to someone, when we can understand our emotional selves better we can improve many areas of life. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a popular therapeutic model developed primarily by Dr. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. It uses the concepts of “attachment theory” and “emotion theory” to explain how we relate to others in our personal relationships. While not just for couples, in her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson describes succinctly what happens when we get stuck in negative and reactive cycles: “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.”
In EFT, therapists work to help couples identify the underlying attachment needs that are driving their behaviors and patterns of interaction. By addressing these needs, couples can work together to build a stronger, more secure bond.
What is Attachment Theory & Which Kind Am I?
Attachment theory suggests that many of us formed insecure attachment bonds in childhood. As a result, we learned that safety was not assured, and may have developed maladaptive ways we attempt to gain it. The idea is that in an effort to feel safe or secure one may enact maladaptive behaviors based on three types of insecure attachment. These behaviors may look like tense or explosive reactions of protest, or despair over the loss of connection. They can result in feelings of physical and emotional abandonment. Conversely, it may show up as avoidance or withdrawal, leading to loneliness or resentment. These behaviors are also believed to conceal feelings of fear, helplessness, and unlovability that result when bonds are ruptured.
There are three common forms of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant and disorganized.
Anxious: Characterized by valuing their relationships highly, hypervigilance towards threats to their security, heightened worry that their loved one is not as invested in the relationship as they are.
Avoidant: Characterized by generally avoiding intimacy or emotional closeness, withdrawl from a relationship if they feel like the other person is becoming reliant on them in this manner, a tendency to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation, such as conflict.
Disorganized: Characterized by vacillating between the traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment depending on their mood and circumstances, difficulty identifying and regulating their emotions and avoiding strong emotional attachment due to their intense fear of getting hurt.
What Does Secure Attachment Look Like?
In contrast, the secure attachment style implies that a person is comfortable expressing emotions openly. Therefore, adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partners and, in turn, let their partners rely on them. Relationships with a securely attached individual are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness. Although someone with this attachment style often thrives in their relationships, they also don’t fear being on their own. Secure attachers tend to have a positive view of themselves and others, so they do not overly seek external approval or validation–they can successfully identify and regulate their emotions, and even help a partner do so with theirs.
How Does EFT Help?
At its core, EFT is focused on helping couples build stronger emotional connections with each other. This involves identifying negative patterns of interaction that may be hindering intimacy, and working to replace those patterns with more positive, supportive behaviors. These negative patterns contribute to what is known as “vulnerability cycles”. We feel incredibly vulnerable in our most intimate relationships. This is at odds with our desire to feel safe and secure.
Key principles and concepts of Emotionally Focused Therapy include:
- Attachment Theory: EFT is deeply influenced by attachment theory, which theorizes that humans have an innate need for emotional bonds and connections with others. In EFT, therapists explore how attachment patterns from childhood can impact adult relationships.
- Emotional Awareness: EFT places a strong emphasis on helping individuals and couples become more aware of their own emotions and the emotions of their partners. This awareness is crucial for understanding the underlying dynamics of a relationship.
- Emotion Regulation: EFT helps individuals and couples develop healthier ways to regulate their emotions, especially in the context of conflicts or distress within the relationship.
- Change Process: EFT focuses on creating new emotional experiences within the therapy session. Therapists work to reframe and reshape emotional responses, creating more secure and satisfying emotional bonds between partners.
- Cycle of Interaction: EFT often identifies negative patterns or cycles of interaction within a relationship. These cycles are typically seen as the root of relationship distress. EFT helps couples understand and change these patterns.
- Secure Attachment: The ultimate goal of EFT is to help individuals and couples develop a more secure attachment with each other. This involves fostering trust, emotional openness, and responsiveness to each other’s needs.
How I approach couples therapy and why I love EFT:
There are many reasons why a couple might seek couples therapy. I see couples come into the room with a wide range of presenting issues. The most common are difficulty with conflict resolution, financial stress, parenting differences and emotional or physical intimacy.
All of these issues share the common throughlines of trust and communication. Trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship because it lays the groundwork for vulnerability. Vulnerability can feel scary, but is necessary to form a deep and lasting bond with our partners. Building trust takes effective and sincere communication!
As a couples therapist, I am not the authority of my couples’ relationships. They are the experts. As a couples therapist, I approach our work together with a great deal of humility and reverence for the life my couples have created together.
My goal is to help deepen a couple’s understanding of their relationship dynamics. Who has the power? When? Is it balanced? What are your “go to” communication patterns? Do you have a few common points of strife that you often disagree about? How do you handle conflict? What holds you together? These are the “whats, whens and wheres” of a couple’s relationship. Employing EFT helps us get at the “hows and whys”
EFT looks at how each individual in the couple learned to love, or in other words: How did they attach to their primary caregiver(s)? Understanding a person’s attachment style can give us invaluable insight into what motivates them and how they learned to function or adapt in their most intimate relationships.
Answering these questions and beginning to understand patterns in their relationship, is vital in helping heal a couple’s relationship and grow a stronger bond.
In EFT, there are no heroes or villains. EFT does not seek blame. It does not take sides. Each individual in the relationship has their own attachment style and when that meets with the attachment style of their partner, a negative or vulnerability cycle can occur. This cycle is characterized by a repetitive and negative pattern of communication and behavior that often leads to conflict and emotional distress.
Using EFT, I work with couples to identify and understand these vulnerability cycles, helping partners recognize and express their emotions in a more secure and open manner. By doing so, couples can break the negative pattern and build healthier, more secure attachments in their relationships. EFT is designed to help couples create a safe and supportive emotional connection, fostering greater intimacy and understanding in the relationship. If you’re struggling with intimacy in your relationship, consider exploring EFT as a potential solution. With the help of a skilled therapist, it’s possible to build a deeper, more loving connection with your partner.
Book a couples session with Marcus (or any of our therapists) here!
