Our life is shaped by a series of choices, large and small. Some of them are within our control, and others not. If you’ve seen the movie Sliding Doors or read the beautiful poem The Blue House then you’ve seen the effects of choice and timing played out. While people come to therapy for mood disorders (anxiety, depression), choices — including our approach to mental health — are personal and affect therapeutic outcomes. We love cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps us understand how choice — including which thoughts to pay attention to — affect our mood. How can we make choices that align with our goals? How can we guide our loved ones to choices that help produce a fulfilling life?
I give a guest lecture each semester at UC Berkeley in their student-led “Adulting” class on psychology and behavioral health. The most popular questions I get each semester are about decisions. How can I stop procrastinating? Which should I choose, exercise or sleep? How can I stop comparing myself to others?
Limiting Choices Is Better For Happiness
Choice is definitely a double-edged sword. On the one hand, research shows us that too many choices make us unhappy. We are more satisfied with our ice cream flavor if we don’t have 30 other flavors we could have chosen. If there is only one language available at school to learn we won’t worry as much that other schools are offering Latin, and Madarin, triggering our optimizing selves. Maximizers, the types of people who spend a lot of time deliberating before choosing, do usually make sound choices but are unhappier overall compared with their counterparts, Satisficers, who make good enough choices. Satisficers have certain standards to meet and then are able to decide and move on. They are happier overall, even if they may earn less money, (as one study found,) or have a hiking boot that doesn’t last as long.
So what is most important to you? Is it better to have a higher paying job or to be happier at that job? These are personal questions, different in various stages of life, between partners, or as family values.
Share Values With Each Other
What I’ve noticed in my work as a therapist is that we don’t know to talk about these values at home, or with friends, and therefore our kids (or partners) struggle to make choices and explain them to one another. For example, if your family values healthier food over convenience, that is a useful teaching point with kids who must wait while dinner is prepared compared with a quicker but potentially less healthy option. We also may have differences than our partners or roommates: one values being on time no matter what, while the other’s priorities get in the way of this. While it can be tempting to weigh in on one side being “in the right,” having a discussion around values helps make choices that work for both people. Couples especially learn to compromise around these perpetual problems (as the Gottman method teaches); families must do so also.
If you value experiencing less stress in your work life (or as a student), then you may choose a less rigorous job or college. The same way we can say some kids would be happier at smaller schools we should also be able to say that some would do well to look at alternatives to college. There is a place for everyone and it is important to connect choices to our values and share them with people who matter to us. Some athletes may want to be the star of their team and some may want to identify as a Division I athlete regardless of playing time. We can help each other and our kids discern what is important through curiosity and conversation. It is our job as parents, friends, and partners, to know when it is our own aspirations for others in the way and step aside to be curious about our loved one’s preferences.
So back to the Cal students and their desire to make better choices and have those choices be easier to make. It is easier to let go of optimizing and trying to do too much when you are more deeply connected to your values. For whether you are a student or teacher, parent or child, entrepreneur or between work, there is always more that can be done. This feeling builds up over time that these students start to think the answer is to have to choose between exercise and sleep.
A Map For Better Choices
Therapy helps us make better choices through the following process:
Identify Your Values
Don’t set up routines for the sake of them. Make them more of a trail towards your goals. What matters about what you are doing? (not what is the noisiest thing in front of you but what truly matters?)
Set Up Habits
It is much easier to obey a habit than to believe in the power of motivation. Set up routines that support your values, and create habits. If you want to write, or spend time with your kids, or have a happier marriage, then what actions would be steps towards that? Set reminders — don’t expect yourself or your kids to organically perform these habits. Habits take experimentation!
Evaluation and Pivoting
We must be able to look at our lives and rethink things from time to time. Your values may change. Your second child may require different parenting from the first. Your workout routine may need to accommodate an injury, or new goal. Being willing to examine what matters to your family, or to a particular child or relationship is a crucial part of making good choices.
This feels like a good time to mention one of my favorite books, Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. Also known as “time management for mortals,” this book is a meditation on what we’re really doing when we overbook, procrastinate, or just plain tune out and doom scroll. Wishing you peace of mind and better decisions!
