Have you ever wondered about why some friendships stick and others fade away? How about those friends who flake, or the ones you feel you are constantly having to chase down in order to spend time with them? We all know that friends are important, but in her book Platonic, Marisa Franco digs deeper into why friendships matter and how we can build better ones. It’s not just about hanging out or sharing memes—true friendships are key to our mental health, well-being, and even longevity. Here are the takeaways from Platonic that can help you rethink how you make and keep your friendships.
Friendship is Vital for Your Well-Being
Let’s start with the basics: friendships are good for you. We often hear about the importance of romantic relationships or work success, but friendship is just as crucial to our health. In fact, many of use spend so much time worrying about our romantic relationships that we neglect friends. But it’s friends who are even more likely to be with us for life. (Ever known a friend to disappear when dating someone new? And then return to the friendship later?) Studies show that people with strong social ties live longer, feel less stressed, and experience fewer mental health issues. Simply put, strong friendships are like a buffer against life’s challenges. So, don’t put your friends on the back burner—investing in friendships is investing in yourself.
Attachment Styles Impact Friendships
You might have heard of attachment theory before— we even wrote a blog post about it! It’s the idea that the way we form bonds early in life (with caregivers, for example) shapes how we interact in relationships later on. Franco explains how this applies to adult friendships. People with a secure attachment style tend to form healthy, trusting friendships. However, if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you might struggle with things like fear of rejection or difficulty opening up. The good news? By understanding your attachment style, you can be more intentional in how you approach friendships and create more meaningful connections.
Friendships Take Work and Vulnerability
This is probably the biggest truth that we emphasize with our clients. We encourage opening up to the right people and to continue extending invitations and initiating contact. It’s a myth that friendships just happen naturally! Good friendships require effort and vulnerability. You can’t just expect people to stick around if you aren’t putting in the work — and furthermore, some people will always be the guests and never the hosts. Are you an inviter who is tired of initiating? See if you can accept this about yourself and not see it as a problem with your friendships. Continue to reach out and be open about what’s going on in your life. It’s not always easy, but being vulnerable (showing your true self) is what deepens friendships. In a world that often pushes us to keep up appearances, being real with your friends can help you form bonds that are truly supportive.
We also emphasize connecting 1:1 with a friend who is part of a larger friend circle, especially for young people. Our clients are often surprised to discover how many of their friends share the same worries. They are just not letting their true selves show in larger groups.
Positive Affirmation Builds Stronger Friendships
In Platonic, Franco talks about the power of positive affirmation. We all like to feel appreciated, and your friends are no different. Simple things like thanking a friend for being there, or letting them know how much they mean to you can make all the difference. Small gestures of gratitude keep the relationship strong and show that you care. It’s the little things, like sending a text to check in or complimenting them on something they’ve done, that build a foundation of trust and loyalty.
Technology Isn’t a Substitute for Real Connection
In today’s world, we’re more connected than ever—thanks to social media, texting, and other online platforms. But Franco warns that virtual connections often fall short when it comes to forming deep friendships. Sure, texting or chatting on Instagram can help you stay in touch, but nothing beats face-to-face interactions or genuine, heartfelt conversations. If you want to create meaningful friendships, try to spend more time connecting in person, even if it’s just grabbing coffee or going for a walk.
It’s important to note that “ghosting” people is a phenomenon that is made possible thanks to technology. (Boooooo). It’s so easy to choose not to respond to someone, which ignores a real person and their real feelings. Encourage those in your life to meet in person or even discuss plans by phone or video call. When someone says they “talked” to someone, always ask if it was “IRL” (in real life) or by text. There are so many misunderstandings over text!
Friendships Evolve Over Time
It can be helpful to think of your friendships as a garden, where we can appreciate a variety of colors, sizes, shapes and styles. We may want a friend to confide in, one to study with, or the friend who is always up for an adventure. Not every friend needs to check every box. And we don’t need to be all things to our friends, either!
Life changes, and so do your friendships. Whether you’re transitioning from college to adulthood, moving to a new city, or getting married, your friendships will likely look different at different stages in life. Franco reminds us that it’s okay if some friendships fade, while others grow stronger. The key is to stay open to new connections while nurturing the friendships that are most important to you. Just like any other relationship, friendships require attention and care, especially during times of change.
Friendships aren’t just for fun—they’re essential for our emotional and mental health. By understanding the science behind how friendships work, being more vulnerable, and putting in the effort to nurture our connections, we can create lasting bonds that improve our well-being. So, next time you’re feeling down or stressed, remember that a good friend might just be what you need—and don’t hesitate to reach out. Your friendships are worth the investment!
Are you having trouble understanding yourself in your friendships? Or would you like to feel more at peace with how a friend interacts with you? Book a few sessions with one of out therapists by inquiring here.
