We’ve seen it depicted in movies, TV shows, books, as well as in our own homes: someone breaks a rule, misses a homework assignment, tells a lie, or engages in teasing/name-calling, and they are given the famous “lecture,” “a scolding,” or, worst of all, “the third degree.” If you are a teacher or parent, you’ve probably engaged in some lecturing yourself, and lectures also show up in other relationships: marriages and other romantic connections, and even between siblings, friends, and co-workers. But what exactly are in these lectures, and do they really help inspire people to do better the next time? Is the lecture intended to be a punishment, or is it intended to be feedback, or is it just a chance for the lecturer to air out their grievances?
The big question is, does lecturing work?
Since I was teacher and now am a therapist, I know that the art of discipline is decidedly one of the hardest elements to perfect. Anyone who has ever been in school knows that each teacher has their own style of discipline. In my own school years, I remember Mr. B, who made Emily Dickinson muffins, spoke gently, and spun words together as if his lessons were poems themselves. I also remember Ms. C, who would check my handwriting every day and loudly comment on how bad it was in front of the whole class. Can you guess how these different lectures impacted me? Which teacher do you think I respected and learned from more?
In short, some teachers evoke inspiration and others incite fear. Different disciplinary styles dramatically affect children’s perception of that teacher: how likely they are to respect them, truly hear them, and consider their rules (even when they aren’t watching.) While giving a lecture about prepositions or Toni Morrison may be neutral or informative (if not a little boring), giving the lecture is often wrought with techniques that employ guilt, fear, and shame in attempts to control student’s behavior.
“Oh, great.. Here comes the lecture” (What makes it a lecture anyway?)
Lectures typically include several elements: 1) the how: a harsh and stern tone, a raised volume, the glare, a hand on the hip or pointed finger and 2) the what: the naming of the challenging behavior, often followed by one or more of the following deeply problematic approaches.
- Criticism: making negative statements about the character of a person based on their actions (“You’re so irresponsible”)
- Guilt-tripping: using your words to evoke guilt to convince someone to do something (“How could you do this to me, after all I’ve done for you?”)
- Shaming: suggesting that there is something wrong with another person and/or indicating that they do not belong in some way (“What’s wrong with you?”), or
- Contempt: suggesting that the other person is lesser than, using sarcasm, mocking, and condescension (“A five year old could do this better than you”).
While naming the challenging behavior and offering alternatives to it is a required element for all folks in relationships and especially teachers and parents, there is a fine line between being constructive and supportive when sharing feedback and going for the jugular to make a point. In times of frustration, when we think we are not being heard, we may think we need to up the ante. That’s when we are vulnerable to picking up these damaging tools in our speeches. We might even notice that when we do: suddenly the kids are quiet or really taking us seriously. This reinforces the harsh tactics so we pick them up again the next time the kids are out of line.
“Ugh, whatever, mom.” (Why lecturing deteriorates relationships)
Given these typical experiences, you may be insisting, “Hey! The lecture works!” After all, have you ever seen the dead-silent classroom of a really scary teacher? From a psychological perspective, that’s sometimes true. Using negative emotions like guilt, shame, or fear, “work” because these feelings encourage avoidance. Negative emotions occur naturally to correct and guide our future behaviors. For example, if a child feels deeply guilty about cheating on a test, he may avoid cheating the next time in order to avoid that awful feeling. If someone talks in class and gets yelled at, she may feel anxious and fearful and avoid talking in class again in order to avoid the same consequence.
The problem is that, when we give the lecture, it’s not just the behavior we are teaching the child to avoid, it’s the whole source of the negative feeling.
This means that if we are the ones giving the lecture, we are teaching our kids to avoid us. If my mom guilt-trips me for spending too much time with my friends, it may not actually be my behavior that’s bringing me guilt–it’s my mom! So, I may start avoiding my mom or avoiding getting caught by my mom, but keep doing the behavior (maybe I’ll sneak out my window tonight!) This is true about any words or actions that are used to incite negative emotions–they may persuade a person, especially in the short term, but they may also repel the person away from us.
“BRB, Spiraling” (How lecturing affects mental health)
Another main challenge with lecturing is that it is a broad sweeping action. Criticism, shaming, and contempt all target the character of a person instead of focusing on the one bad behavior. Especially when these kinds of words are coming from an authority like a parent or a teacher, this can influence a child’s inner monologue. The child gets the message “I’m bad,” or “I’m not good enough.” When our inner voices start turning against us, we develop low self esteem, anxiety, depression, and even trauma responses related to the incidents of fear, shame, and guilt we’ve experienced. This can also impact our physical health: chronic stress increases the risk of cardiovascular issues, weakening the immune system, and causing sleep disturbances. At Loyal Blue, we have seen many kids present with panic attacks with no attributable source and it is this type of chronic environment that can contribute to them.
People who are anxious, depressed, stressed, traumatized and/or having health problems often lack motivation, energy, and other resources to change habits and learn new, better behaviors. This is why giving problematic lectures is not only harmful to others but it’s harmful to us: if lecturing is our go-to method, we won’t necessarily see a change in the undesired behavior, but we may see our loved ones really suffer and struggle.
How to transform lectures into impactful conversations
So, how can we get out of the habit of giving our loved ones “the lecture”? Try these small adjustments and see what happens.
- Glow-up your lecture into a check-in, update, discussion, or invitation. So much of what we convey is in how we convey it. Keep your tone neutral; speak at a normal volume. Keep your expression soft, and breathe deeply to relax your body and soften your stance.
- Make it one-on-one. Public humiliation is among the most damaging strategies used in classrooms. Do not try this at home–no public shaming at the dinner table! Pull people aside privately to talk to them about your complaints, concerns, needs, and requests.
- Make a complaint, not a criticism. Focus your words entirely on the one behavior, its impact, and what you’d like to see instead. Use “I” statements. Name why the behavior affected you, using just the facts. Avoid blame, interpretations, assumptions, or judgments about the person’s character or what they intended.
- No, seriously. Avoid judgments of character and assumptions about intentions. Help yourself do this better by noticing exceptions–times when the other person did better in a similar situation. Try to counter any stories coming up by considering ways their intentions could have been neutral or positive. Remember, everyone is human and makes mistakes.
- Get curious. If you are seriously struggling to separate the facts and your interpretations of the facts, bring curiosity to the table. Neutrally and calmly ask questions about what was going on for them, what they intended, or how they see what happened. If you do feel you need to name your interpretation, clarify that it’s not a fact: “When you did this, I had the story that…” or “When this happened, I interpreted it to mean…, is that true?”
- Pause. When I was a teacher about to make a complaint about a student’s behavior, I would take the long walk to their desk very, very slowly. My tortoise’s pace gave me time to breathe, calm myself down, and give myself a pep talk, rehearsing what I wanted to say when I got there. You can employ this method by taking a break before talking to your kids when something frustrating happens.
- Start and end with praise. All of my best corrective moments in the classroom included the feedback sandwich. This strategy helps convey to the listener that you see them as ultimately good, and being a human who makes mistakes doesn’t change that. This can inspire positive actions, boost self esteem, reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, and improve your relationships.
Aim for influence, not control
One of the lessons I learned as a teacher that continues to impact my life and all my relationships is this: we need to aim for influence, not control. Wielding fear, shame, and guilt are implements of control which disrupt the autonomy, independence, agency, and freedom of other people, and even kids have a right to experience these as they grow. I believe this is why the lecture strategy does not work: it’s ultimately an attempt to control the other person, and the only thing we can really control is ourselves. The big paradox is that the less that we try to control and the more we appeal to our kids’ and loved ones’ strengths and values, the more likely they will follow our expectations anyway, based on their deep sense of connection and trust with us. By clearly communicating our norms and sharing the values and principles behind them, and then building deep loving connections, setting positive examples, expressing our feelings and needs, using praise often, and responding to challenges calmly, we can positively influence others, and that’s healthier for all of us.
For more parent (or teacher!) coaching, book a session with Emmy or another Loyal Blue therapist.
