Do conversations with your teen ever feel like a battle, where every word seems to push them further away? Whether you are trying to support your teen through academic or social challenges, mental health or or decision-making, it is tempting to offer advice. However, pushing too hard with opinions can be ineffective and lead to a battle! As a therapist who supports teens and families, I frequently observe this dynamic between parents and teens and have some ideas on how to talk so your teens will listen.
Adolescence is a time when teenagers naturally seek more independence. It is especially important to learn how to walk the fine line between offering guidance and supporting their autonomy. It’s a classic scenario. The more parents try to offer advice, the more their teen instinctively pushes back. They do this to maintain their sense of independence.
Therapists often use a technique called Motivational Interviewing to work with this same push back from teens in the therapy room. This technique helps create a space where clients can explore their challenges openly, without feeling pressured. When I use Motivational Interviewing in therapy, I see how powerful it is in helping young people find their own motivation. It is a technique that can easily translate into parenting to help with maintaining trust, respect, and honor independence during those tough conversations.
What is Motivational Interviewing?
Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a technique grounded in the belief that change is most effective when it comes from the individual’s own motivation rather than external pressure. You’ve probably experienced this in your own life! For example, you might hear suggestions about setting better boundaries at work or saying no more often, but making that shift is easier said than done. Until you personally recognize the toll it’s taking on your well-being, no advice will feel quite right. We sometimes need to understand our own discomfort when making a change. This awareness helps us fully recognize the need for a shift in a certain direction.
When using this technique to support a teen, I focus on understanding their discomfort through deepening questions and reflecting back what I’m hearing. This allows teens to hear their own internal conflict while also feeling understood. By engaging in this way, I’m giving them space to explore their emotions. They use their own hopes as an anchor to ground back into their motivation.
The Motivational Interviewing Recipe:
- Collaboration and partnership: Guide the process without being directive or judgmental. Use open-ended questions to allow space for genuine reflection from your teen.
- Express empathy: Create a non-judgmental space where your teen feels understood. This helps them explore their feelings and challenges honestly.
- Support self-efficacy. Encourage your teen to believe in their ability to make positive changes. Support their confidence in making decision for themselves.
- Roll with resistance: Accept and explore any ambivalence or resistance. Ask questions to understand their perspective rather than confronting it directly with your opinion.
- Name any discrepancy: Help your teen recognize the gap between where they are now and where they want to be. This awareness can inspire them to take action.
What does using this recipe sound like in practice?
- “I’d love to hear your thoughts about the situation. What part of it is most difficult for you? Where are you conflicted?”
- “I can see this is really stressful for you. It sounds like you’re caught between wanting to make a change and also not feeling quite ready.”
- “What are some reasons why making this change is important to you?”
- “It sounds like you’re doing your best, and I can tell you’re trying to navigate this situation the best way you know how.”
- “You’ve told me how much you want to achieve ____, but it seems like your actions right now are taking you in a different direction. How do you feel about that?”
- “I’ve seen you come through tough moments before. What do you feel you’re capable of now? What do you feel you’re not capable of?”
The Secret Ingredient: Trust
Using Motivational Interviewing with your teen doesn’t mean giving up your role as a parent or never giving any advice. It means showing up as a supportive guide to help them discover their own path forward. By creating a non-judgemental space for their thoughts and feelings, you’re building a foundation of trust that also strengthens your relationship. Without saying it directly, you are communicating, “I trust that you can navigate this difficult path and you can trust me to be by your side”.
Do you have questions about using Motivational Interviewing with a stubborn family member? We can help! Contact us to schedule a few sessions to practice this technique with your situation.
Source: Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
