Does it ever feel like you and your partner are always fighting? Or that little disagreements escalate into day-long fights? Maybe you’re not even sure how it went from something so small to something so big so quickly. Most couples have been there before. Conflict is inevitable, but it is all about how difficult emotions and feelings are communicated to one another.
When you are triggered, whether it be because your partner used a less-than-loving tone with you, or because they didn’t do something they promised they would, you may feel wronged. You may feel hurt, angry, or invalidated. Your brain, (being the resilient brain it is) perceives there is a threat and that you must protect yourself at all costs, a.k.a. “Fight or flight” mode. Although that protection can be helpful at times, there are times that our brain mistakenly thinks there is a serious threat when there is not, and it ends up causing more harm than good.
When you go into fight mode, you are ready to attack. This may look like:
- Defensiveness, yelling, name-calling, insulting, saying regretful things, or verbally attacking your partner.
When you go into flight mode, you attempt to escape. This may look like:
- Walking away from your partner, refusing to speak to them, disengaging, or shutting down.
Why are these so problematic?
It becomes so easy to make your partner your enemy when you are in fight or flight. When one partner escalates, it most often follows with the other partner escalating right back, and before you know it, the original issue at hand isn’t even being addressed anymore. Luckily, with intentionality and practice, there are ways to slow your brain down in those moments to avoid escalation.
Why Couples Therapy Works
Being in couples therapy allows a safe, structured, and secure space to learn these skills and put them into practice. It gives couples a space to enhance their understanding of each other and to heal together. Through couples therapy, couples can develop healthy conflict resolution skills for their everyday life, as well as process and heal from trauma or betrayal that has happened in the relationship.
Here are some helpful tips to try the next time you are in an argument with your partner, to avoid escalation.
Learn Your Body’s Warning Signs
First and foremost, you want to learn your body’s warning signs. When we start to become dysregulated, we become “flooded”. When this happens, the thinking part of our brain which usually can empathize and be compassionate with our partner, shuts off. That type of shut-off is helpful when you are trying to survive in the wild, but not so helpful when you are trying to solve conflict with your partner.
When you are flooded with emotions, your body begins to prepare to go into fight or flight. Perhaps your heart beats faster every time you get angry. Or maybe you begin to feel hot. Everyone is different. All of the signs are normal and are technically useful when facing life-or-death situations, but again, we are talking about resolving conflict with your partner, not being forced to fight off or run from a wild bear.
Start to pay attention and notice what your body does when you are flooded. You can identify your “warning signs” of escalation and know when it is time to take active measures to prevent yourself from saying or doing things you will later regret. Next time you are activated, take a moment to be curious about yourself and notice what your body feels like. This will be helpful information to keep in mind to know when to regulate yourself next time.
The Holy Grail of De-escalating a Fight: The Pause
Next, I introduce a simple but top strategy: The Pause. This is literally when you take a break from the conversation. The pause in all its glory can be initiated by even a silly code word or a hand sign. Talk to your partner and decide together a sign or word that you can give to each other when you need to take a break from the conversation. This strategy ideally is to be agreed upon BEFORE the escalation.
Some important things to know about the pause:
- Both partners must respect when the pause is initiated. Even if you feel fine when your partner says they need to pause, that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the space to regulate themselves. In reality, giving them the space when they need it is the best for both of you.
- The Pause does not mean ending and never returning to the conversation. That would be avoidance. When you take a pause, you are using that time to self-regulate. Whether that’s deep breathing, listening to music, taking a walk, or thinking about all the reasons you love your partner. You want to be doing something to calm down, not ruminating on why you are so angry at them.
- When you do initiate the pause, it can be helpful to communicate how much time you need. This is so the receiving partner can rest assured that you are not avoiding the issue at hand and that you will come back to the conversation once you are no longer flooded. You may need five minutes, two hours, or maybe longer. If you initiate a pause and then come back to the conversation to only escalate again, it is not time to come back yet. Initiate the pause again, and again, and sometimes even again, until you are both in a regulated, calm state.
Why The Cliche “I” Statement Actually Works
When you and your partner feel calm and have a space to talk, it is important to use “I statements” to express how you feel and request what you need. When you come to your partner with an accusatory statement, such as “You are so selfish!”, your partner is most likely going to feel attacked, go into fight or flight, and become unable to hear what you are trying to share. Using “I statements” allows you to express your feelings in a way in which your partner won’t feel as attacked and may be able to hear you better.
A simple script to follow goes something like this: “I feel ___, when ____, because ____. What I need/want from you is ____”.
Using this foundation allows you to share your feelings, what triggered those feelings, and what you are asking for instead. For example, instead of accusing your partner that they are a selfish person, maybe you say something like “I feel alone when you make big decisions without me because I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter. What I need from you is for you to discuss things with me first before deciding something big for us”. If you are the listener in this dialogue, it is important to engage in active listening (e.g. eye contact, no interrupting, etc.). Listen to understand, not to respond. The listener should reflect to their partner what they heard them say, which allows any misinterpretations or misunderstandings to be cleared up. Lastly, the listener provides empathy and validates their partner’s feelings. This process takes practice, practice, and more practice.
It’s not easy, but neither is being in high conflict with your partner! The implementation of these steps has the potential to make drastic positive changes to resolving conflict in your relationship.
By: Christina Hourany, AMFT. Book time to talk about your relationship, either on your own or with a partner! Inquire here.
