Last month, we began reflecting on the communication skills needed to navigate conflict. We identified four key steps that can help get to the other side of these ruptures and find resolution:
Step 1: Connecting to Ourselves
Step 2: Connecting to Others
Step 3: Asserting Ourselves in a Connected Way
Step 4: Maintaining Connection in the Aftermath
All of the steps emphasize the importance of connection as the cornerstone to repair. Last month, we learned how to connect to ourselves to make sure we are in the right frame of mind for healthy conflict resolution, and then we reviewed the listening, asserting, and empathy skills that will help the other person feel heard and understood. If you haven’t read that article yet, check out what you missed here.
Now, let’s see how we can stay in connection and understanding while asserting how we feel, including sharing about our hurt, frustration, and disappointment after the conflict.
Step 3: Asserting Ourselves in a Connected Way
For the parts of us feeling hurt, anxious, sad, or angry after a conflict, this step may be the best part, because it’s our chance to be heard and understood by our loved one while we verbally process our experience. At this point in the conversation, we have listened to our loved one, and we likely had to bite our tongues to stay connected to their perspective and practice empathy. In this step, we will get a chance to voice our perspectives, but we want to do so in a connected way.
That means, and this is critical, that we will need to avoid blame, judgment, and criticism.
If we start to voice blame or judgment of the other person, we will effectively unravel the empathy and connection we worked so hard to build in the last two steps. Instead, we need to embrace the complexity of any conflict. Each person has their valid perspective, and each person has played a role in the rift that occurred. Furthermore, if we move into criticism of the other person, we can deeply alienate ourselves from our relationships. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman have actually found that criticism is one of the four communication styles that can predict the likelihood that a marriage or romantic relationship will eventually end.
Luckily for us, blame, judgment, and criticism are not the truly important elements that need discussing, and if we can let go of them, we can get to the heart of what is bothering us. Blame, judgment, criticism are all just armor. This means that these analytical, defensive habits are intended to protect something much more vulnerable and tender which lies beneath: our pain and our unmet needs.
Author, clinical psychologist, and international peacemaker Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has developed a set of communication strategies called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that help us get to this heart of the matter and resolve our conflicts. NVC, sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, follows the following process:
- Observation: Notice and identify the specific details (just the facts!) that are negatively affecting you.
- Feelings: Name the emotions you are experiencing that connect to what happened.
- Needs: Identify the need, want, or value that is behind the emotions you identified above.
- Request: Make an ask of the other person that includes a concrete action.
Let’s unpack each part of Nonviolent Communication using the case of the teenage son and the missed curfew from Part 1 of this series. Recall that in this example, you have a teenage son who got home quite a few hours later than planned without calling, and you spent hours worrying about him. When he arrived home, he complained that his curfew is too strict, not calling is not a big deal, and you are uptight and always treating him like a baby. You were hurt and furious, but you took a break to connect to yourself and then returned to the conversation. Then, you use empathy and listening skills to build understanding of your son’s feelings and needs. You’d like to now voice how you feel, and you’re going to use Nonviolent Communication.
Observation
First, you need to identify the facts and separate them from everything else that may be coming up for you–feelings, criticisms, and past experiences that are evoked, for example. When we are new to this process, it is best to write out what we want to say. This will help us identify our vulnerabilities–places where we may be likely to become more upset and go off-script, derailing our progress toward resolution. In this step it is hugely important to distinguish between our observations and our evaluations. When we mix our observations of the situation with our interpretations of what they mean, our listener is likely to become defensive and resistant–they will become hurt by our words before they can truly hear them. It can be challenging at first to recognize the difference between our observations and our interpretations, so I recommend making a table, like so:
| Evaluations | Observations – Just the Facts |
| My son disregards the rules and has no respect for me as a parent. My son was inconsiderate of me and my feelings and straight up ignored me. My son is plain rude and unreasonable. | My son has a curfew of 11 pm, and he arrived home 3 hours later than that. My son did not call me when he was out after curfew, and when I tried to call or text, there was no response. When my son arrived home, he called me “uptight,” and said that it was “not a big deal” and “you treat me like a baby.” |
It may feel important to share some of your evaluations with your son. For example, sharing that you think that he was inconsiderate of your feelings may be a fair critique of the situation. You may do this, but proceed with caution and follow these tips:
- Avoid exaggerating. My son “straight up ignored me” is an exaggeration in this case, since the son’s phone died and he never received the messages or calls in the first place.
- Avoid blanket statements. “My son is rude and unreasonable” or a statement like “Why are you so inconsiderate?” are attacks and criticisms, unlikely to get your message across and very likely to alienate you from your counterpart.
- Separate the evaluation from the facts by naming them as interpretations. You can use this sentence frame to help: “When I see _______, I think ______.” For example, “When I see you get home 3 hours after curfew without calling or texting, I think you’re being inconsiderate” is feedback your son may be able to hear and understand.
Feelings
Once you have identified what happened that’s bothering you, spend some time naming your specific feelings. Depending on any number of factors, including our upbringing and culture, this may be harder than it sounds. It’s worth practicing with a feelings chart or wheel, like this one. When making “I feel” statements, many of us will run into pitfalls like the ones below:
“I feel” statement pitfalls
- Stating an opinion. Many of us will start a sentence with “I feel” and follow it with an evaluation. For example, “I feel you’re inconsiderate of me.” This is that analytical armor showing up again to protect the pain underneath, but you’ll need to process your actual feelings in order to really get past what’s bothering you.
- Making “you” statements. In arguments, we often make statements like, “You hurt me,” “you frustrated me so much,” or “you’re annoying me.” This is blaming and it gives the other person too much credit! One key element of nonviolent communication is that to avoid blame–blame diminishes the complexity of what has happened, and leads to resistance and often more conflict. Furthermore, feelings are so rich and varied, and connected to so many things. They can’t be explained by another person’s actions alone. As Marshall Rosenberg puts it, “What others do may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause.”
- Sneaky statements of blame. Words like “attacked,” “ignored,” and “betrayed” point to the actions of another person. “I feel abandoned” is an interpretation about how another person is treating you, but it’s not a feeling or a fact. Avoid sneaking blame into your “I feel” statements.
Needs
Your feelings about a situation likely come from an unfulfilled need. For example, you might feel lonely because you are needing more closeness and connection. You may feel sad because you are needing more fun, more connection, more purpose or meaning, and you may feel anxious because you are needing more trust, safety, or reassurance. As Marshall Rosenberg explains, “The moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased.” Identifying our needs may be hard when our brains are spinning with judgments or criticisms, so this is again a good time to consult a list, like this one.
Requests
The last element of Nonviolent Communication is making a request. For this, think carefully about actions that will be restorative and will help you meet your needs. Use specific language: saying “be more responsible” will not make it clear but “arrive home by 11 pm” will. Secondly, use positive language and avoid telling the other person what NOT to do–this will simply add to their resistance and take away clarity. For example, if you are needing more closeness and connection, and you tell me “Don’t spend so much time playing video games,” we have only crossed one action off the list of thousands of other possible actions, but we may not be closer to meeting your needs. For example, instead of playing video games, I may spend the day swimming laps at the pool.
Keep in mind that a request is an attempt to change someone’s behavior, but it is not a demand. Someone may be unwilling to meet our requests. In order to show that we are not trying to control them, the most connected response to their resistance is empathy. Seek to find out why it is hard for the other person to meet your request, and engage in some negotiation and compromise, working to find changes that will help meet both of your needs.
There are some instances where a request is not sufficient, and someone’s behavior has violated a personal boundary. Setting boundaries is its own complex skill, and that requires another blog article(!), but if you need that outside reading now, check out Nedra Glover Tawwab’s work, particularly her bestselling book Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Putting it all together
Now that we have reviewed each part of NVC, we can put it all together. If that is feeling difficult to do, especially in an actuated emotional state, use the sentence frames below to simplify the process:
When you…
I feel…
Because I need…
Please…
Here is an example from the case of the teenage son.
You have a curfew of 11 pm, and you arrived home 3 hours later. You did not call me when you were out, and so I did not know what was happening or where you were. (observation). I was extremely concerned about you (feelings). When I tried to call and text, there was no response (observation). I feel worried and anxious about this (feelings) because I need consistency and consideration and to know that you are safe (unmet needs). Your safety is so important to me, and I take it very seriously (statement of values behind the needs). When you arrive home and say I’m uptight for worrying (observation), I feel sad and hurt (feelings) because I’m needing understanding about the importance of open communication between us (needs). In the future, I want you to arrive home within 10 minutes of your curfew (request). If you are not going to be on time, I want you to call or text me before your curfew and explain what is going on (request).
Notice that in complicated situations, you may need to do each step multiple times, and it’s okay to switch around the order as long as you don’t stray into blame or judgment or criticism. When we are first getting started, it’s often easier to use the sentence frames, but eventually, in natural conversation, we want the flexibility to make it sound authentic to the way we speak as individuals.
Step 4: Maintaining Connection in the Aftermath
Now that we have asserted our feelings, needs, and requests, we may find that our counterparts are able to acknowledge and understand how we feel and oblige our requests. However, it is often the case that some or all of this does not occur perfectly all at once. Our communication may need a tune-up and we may need to go back to step 1 and do more personal reflection, go back to step 2, making sure we hear the other person’s perspective more clearly, or go back to step 3 to make sure we have fully asserted our needs in a loving, connected way.
Having A Check-In
In these cases, and sometimes even if it seems like things are going well, a check-in or debrief meeting will give more opportunity for authentic resolution and repairing connection. Ask your counterpart for a check-in and schedule a time and a place that will be free of distraction and comfortable for you both to get into the heavier topics again. These questions may help guide your conversation:
- How are we both feeling about the argument now that it’s over?
- What other needs or desires have come up since the argument?
- How can we work together to meet those unmet needs?
- What do we appreciate about each other’s efforts to repair and connect?
The check-in conversation is your opportunity to practice everything we’ve discussed in Parts 1 and 2 of this article series! You will need your empathy skills and your assertiveness skills to reach full resolution and optimal connection.
In the days and months after a heavy conversation, seek to build what John Gottman calls positive sentiment override in your relationship. This means seeing the other person through a positive lens and focusing on the strengths of your relationship. Spend time together, give praise to the other person, and reassure them of your connection. When we build positive sentiment override, it’s easier for us to give the other person the benefit of a doubt, interpreting their actions more positively and therefore avoiding hurt feelings and intense conflicts in the future.
Throughout this series, we have focused on connection as the guidepost for all parts of a difficult conversation. Remember that there is no such thing as a conflict-free relationship, and while a tense interaction can feel disconnecting and isolating, within it there are profound opportunities for connection. A conflict can even be a catalyst into deeper connection because it challenges us to better understand each other so we can build a more reciprocal, harmonious relationship.
We hope these tips help you navigate all the difficult conversations in your life. Communication through intense emotions is hard for everyone and is always a work in progress! If you try any of the strategies you learned, we would love to hear how it goes!
